


But Not Like This

by WhatBecomesOfCuriousMinds



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Barnes - Freeform, Bucky - Freeform, Bucky Barnes - Freeform, Bucky Barnes x OC, Captain America - Freeform, Captain America the Winter Soldier - Freeform, F/M, Friendship, Marvel - Freeform, The Winter Soldier - Freeform, rogers - Freeform, steve - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-10
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-02-24 21:30:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 37,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2597060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatBecomesOfCuriousMinds/pseuds/WhatBecomesOfCuriousMinds
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Buchanan Barnes was a charmer back in the day and like every other girl that laid eyes upon him, Kathleen fell for him. She was a little more reluctant to let that weakness show though.<br/>It begins in World War II but by no means does this story end there. Kathleen was never one for letting a small thing like her untimely death get in the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. And, boy, was I game.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so, hi. I'm your author and I'm bringing you my little story that started as a daydream and ended up BAM a whole story.  
> I'm really excited about this and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it.  
> It begins with World War II Bucky but let's just say stuff happens and I plan on taking it all the way up to the 21st century very soon. I don't want to give too much away but please leave comments and tell me what you think. I'll post a chapter a day and so on.  
> GAH THE EXCITEMENT  
> So without further delay, I give you, But Not Like This  
> *sits in corner with fingers crossed*

I was 15 when my parents moved in beside the Rogers. Mrs. Rogers was a widow and lived only with her son. They were lovely people and soon befriended my parents with a basket of homemade cookies and a 'welcome to the neighbourhood' smile.  
Inevitably I ended up becoming close friends with her son, Steve Rogers.  
He was a scrawny little kid but my god did he make up for it in determination and stubbornness. He was a kind hearted soul though and was protective over me even though, if it came to it, I would probably be more capable of protecting him.  
My friendship with Steve meant that it wasn't long before I was introduced to his best friend, Bucky Barnes.  
The Rogers were hosting a Christmas party on the evening of December 24th which I had been dragged along to, never being one for parties and socialising, I had been quiet literally forced by my mother into a ridiculous looking frilled dress that made me look like some over weight doll.  
I sighed disdainfully at my reflection in the hallway mirror as my parents were greeted by the Mrs. Rogers, all smiles and hugs.  
"you're looking mighty swell" Steve grins ferociously at me. He was almost doubled over with laughter at my appearance.  
"oh, would you refrain from the commentary about my humiliation" I glare at him but end up smiling.  
"come on in, there's someone I want you to meet" Steve gestures towards the living room.  
I glance at my reflection one last time. Shudder. And follow Steve down the corridor. The living room is full of fake smiles and feigned interest. When I am older I will never be this kind of adult, I promise myself.  
Steve coughs and I'm drawn out of my lost thoughts. I look at him and then to the boy beside him. My stomach lurches. Oh Holy God. He was gorgeous.  
My mouth opens slightly, hopefully unnoticeablly, before I slam it shut. His thick brown hair was combed back showing off his bone structure. His jawline. Those eyes. And that cheeky grin directed at me.  
He noticed my gawking. Oh great first impression, well done me. Then I remember how I'm dressed. I feel like screaming and throwing myself off a very high structure. Preferably mount Everest.  
I smile shyly back before Steve begins his introduction.  
"Bucky this is Kathleen, Kathleen this is bucky" Steve grinned at me. Probably because of the god damn disgrace to man kind I was donning.  
"hi" I wave awkwardly at him resembling some kind of penguin. Ugh, I really was a mess. Perhaps the disgrace to man kind was me and not the dress.  
"hello" he cocks his head slightly to the right, still grinning and outstretches his hand.  
I take it expecting to shake it but he pulls it close to his lips and kisses my hand softly and looks back up at me grinning at how I blush.  
"ok, ok, please don't seduce my friend Bucky" Steve slaps his hand from mine.  
If I was blushing before it was nothing compared to the fire in my cheeks now. Seduce?  
"trust me, even if he was trying he'd never succeed" I cross my arms tightly and raise an eyebrow.  
"trust me, doll, that was not me trying to seduce you" he laughs and throws some sort of food in a glass bowl beside him into his mouth. "if ever I do try to seduce you, you won't be able to stop yourself succumbing to my masculine charms" he grins even harder and Steve hits his palm against his face.  
I just laugh. This was innapropriate discussion for a girl, or any woman for that matter to be partaking in. The correct response would be to frown at his comments and say "how dare you" before storming off. But I always hated doing what was expected. It was harmless. It was a game. And, boy, was I game.  
"oh yes, I can feel it now, my resolve melting away into nothingness at the mere mention of your masculinity" I say the words blandly and without expression like bad acting.  
That grin of his spreads even wider. "I like you, well done Steve I think we can keep her around"  
I can't help it, I smirk back at him. I was kind of glad he liked me. How weak was that? Especially when he possessed such assaholic qualities.  
But how could I deny it, I sort of like Bucky Barnes.  
"but your name, too long," he says "Katie is more suitable for friends to call you"  
I sigh. Great. Friends.


	2. Oops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go terribly wrong but then they go terribly right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *WARNING*  
> There is some threat of rape and violence in this chapter (spoiler alert) but no one actually gets raped though, I don't write about that kind of thing.  
> Anyways if you find the threat of rape upsetting go to my note at the bottom of the page and I'll give you instructions on how to avoid that part.  
> -  
> In other news, people ACTUALLY read and liked my first chapter and I received kudos. Like, yes, thank each one of you. I was kind of expecting 2 hits but you surprised me so thank you!

Steve had really gotten himself into it this time. He was standing up for me, that I'm grateful for but he was going to get himself killed.  
"hey, just leave it" I threaten the guy who had hurled verbal abuse at me after I told him to piss off for trying to hit on me.  
"Move, whore" he snarled down at me trying to get to steve.  
He was tall maybe about 25. Me and Steve were only 17. This was an unfair fight.  
"don't you call her that" Steve lunged at him swinging his scrawny fists.  
I hear a crack as the man brings his fist down on Steve's nose.  
"stop" I scream desperately looking around for someone to help. It was late, no one was out. We were going to meet Bucky to see a movie before we ran into this thick shit.  
He brings his fist down on Steve again. This time, knocking him down. He kicks him three times in the stomach.  
I was weak, physically, there was nothing I could do. But I was a lot more than my incapability to punch a man.  
"that's right, real honorable to literally kick a man while he's down" I say each word dripping with sarcasm and venom.  
His foot stops mid swing and he turns to me. It worked. At least Steve wouldn't end up dead.  
"you want to talk about honour little girl?" he says, a hard glint in his eye.  
"oops" is all I think before I'm shoved against the alley wall.  
"I have none" he whispers menacingly in my ear. I squirm to escape with no results.  
His hand goes to my thigh and he shoves me harder to the wall.  
My body isn't responding to the danger. I was stiff with fear. He grabs my jaw and I gasp in surprise. He seizes the opportunity to shove a rough tongue into my mouth. I try to shove him away but to no avail. I was ridiculously weak. So I do what I can. I bite down hard on his tongue.  
He cries out in pain and punches me in the stomach. I release his tongue from my teeth as it is my turn to shriek in breathless pain.  
He grips my hair and throws me to the ground. I turn on to my stomach and try to stand up but a boot crashes against my side and I flip onto my back.  
The pain was horrific. My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was bruising itself against my ribcage.  
"you little bitch" he spat.  
Crawling on top of me he punches my cheekbone and I can feel he split the skin. I scream for anyone but he clamps a hand over my mouth. He roughly brings a hand once again to my thigh but this time his hand slips aggressively under my dress.  
I cry out under his hand. No this couldnt be happening. He grins like the devil at me and I can feel tears forming in my eyes, blurring my vision.  
And then he goes flying sideways as a boot hits his face. I crawl to the opposite side of the alley and turn back to see Bucky bringing his fist down on the guys face again and again. The anger on buckys face was frightening. But I had never been so glad to see him. I glance to Steve, out cold. I hoped he was ok.  
I brought my knees to my chest and watched Bucky wreak revenge on this man's face. When the man seemed to be barely conscious he finally stood up, his fists cut, blood staining his white shirt. He spat down on the man before delivering one final kick to his crotch.  
Bucky looked to me then. His eyes raking over me, surveying the damage. His face eventually softened when his blue eyes met mine. He ran beside me and kneeled down.  
"are you hurt?" he asked desperately  
"just my pride and my cheekbone" I sigh probing the split skin on my face and wincing.  
I look back up to him again and realise what he meant. "oh. No, he didn't. He was abou- you showed up though"  
"what happened?" a police officer comes around the corner taking in the scene. Two men out cold. One with blood all over him and a woman in a torn dress.  
"you're a bit late, officer" Bucky stood up more than a bit angry.  
I get up slowly and Bucky helps by placing an arm around my waist.  
"let me explain" I begin.  
-  
-  
-  
It had been a day since the occurrence on the street and I was bruised and exhausted. Steve had needed 5 stitches but the other man had been hospitalized.  
I stared out the window on to the cobbled street below, my record player spun around making that comforting crackling noise whilst also playing a dreary little tune full of saxophones and slow voices. It was one of those days.  
"sweetheart," my father called to me and knocked on my open door. "you have a visitor"  
I spin around and standing just behind my father is Bucky. I smile and he steps in and my father leaves us.  
"Bucky, you have no idea how grateful I am that you-" I began but am cut off by Bucky.  
"no thanks necessary. I wish I'd shown up sooner. All that matters is that you're alright" he pauses and his brow furrows and he looks genuinely concerned before saying "are you alright?"  
"me? Oh yeah fine" I start feeling one of my infamous rambles coming on "I'm kind of refusing to take in the severity of what happened, almost like blocking it out but only blocking out the fact I could've been raped or murdered. It will hit me soon enough but right now my only concern is that-" I stop abruptly at the realisation of what I almost said.  
Bucky, whose face showed pure amusement dancing across it for my entire spiel, raises an eyebrow  
"is that…?" he prompts.  
I laugh nervously "eh. No. Nothing it's nothing. Just ridiculous"  
He stands up straight from where he was leaning against the door and walks over to where I'm seated. He leans down to me so that our faces are mere inches apart. Then he says playfully "don't make me force it out of you"  
I feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I stumble to regain my thoughts. He draws back and I can breathe again  
"really, its just embaressing. Ridiculous" I repeat more than a little flustered. He just looks at me. I couldn't refuse those eyes. Could I?  
"well," I stand up and move to the window but I can feel his eyes on me. "the man, he, em, well, he kissed me. Well I wouldn't really call it a kiss more like a physical onslaught with tongue. But anyway. I couldn't put it out of my mind because…" I trail off  
Bucky knew what I was getting at. I could see it in that smug expression of his. But he was going to get me to say it in words if it killed him.  
"because I've never kissed anyone! And is that what I'm going to remember as my first kiss?" I practically scream in annoyance.  
"listen, a first kiss is something that happens once and sometimes it's perfect, sometimes it's not and you just have to deal with it"  
I roll my eyes at where I think he's going with this but then he surprises me.  
"but people like you. People whose first kiss is stolen from them, well I believe they get a second chance" he was beside me now.  
"so, I'm just supposed to forget about it 'til some new opportunity presents itself? I don't think I can possibly-"  
I'm caught off guard by a firm hand enveloping its way around my waist and pulling me in. Soft lips crash against mine but slow down when I respond. In that moment it was proof positive I no longer liked bucky barnes I was in love with Bucky Barnes.  
He pulled away leaving a very stunned me gasping for air. "now, that is your first kiss. Count yourself lucky it was me" he winks and just leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so if you dont wish to read the violent part it was basically this guy beat up Steve and then attempted to rape Kathleen, he didn't get very far though before DUDUNANUN Bucky shows up all swift and cool and basically beats him up. That's the bad part over ok so now you need to scroll up through the chapter till you reach three of these '-'one under the other. That's when the chapter gets interesting and non-violent.  
> -  
> My notes are always too long...anyway thanks for reading and please stick around for the next chapter because it only gets better. I swear. :)


	3. A girl, a boy and a Stark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's always going to get messy when you involve a Stark.

It had been a long time since I first met Bucky Barnes and now we were almost as close as me and steve were.  
I had outgrown my pudgy faze and was no longer being forced into nightmare-esque dresses. I was in my 2nd year of college studying science and there was a war raging just across the sea.  
Bucky had been enlisted. Which I was devastated about. Steve was highly unsuitable for war which I was ecstatic about. He didn't share my opinion however.  
The kiss with Bucky you might ask? Well, nothing came of it. Why would it. It was a…a pity kiss…yeah. Unfortunately.  
I had observed as he gained 5 new girlfriends and went on numerous dates over the years. He hit on almost every girl that passed. Why would I be special? We were friends. That is all that mattered. Or that's what i try telling myself. 

I had just come home from university when a knock sounds on my flat door. I drop the sandwich I had thrown together back on the plate and call out with a face full of food "coming, one moment"  
I rush to the door and open it. Steve. "Steve what are you doing here?" is what I mean to say but the sandwich I haven't finished chewing makes it come out more like "shtee, wa ah ew dung her?"  
He just grins at me as another figure steps into view. I swallow my sandwich quick.  
"Bucky?" I say with some confusion before changing my tone "BUCKY!" I run to hug him and he picks me up twisting me around.  
"hey, doll, looking good" he winks and I hit his shoulder.  
"why didn't you say you were coming?" I grin "it would've given us a little more time to pretend we weren't in the country"  
Bucky smirks at my joke. "too late now. Have your heard the news?" he passes me a note and I take it.  
"sergeant James Buchanan Barnes" I read aloud. "these your orders?"  
He smiles "you, my friend, are looking at a really hot sergeant"  
-  
-  
-  
We had gone to the World Exposition of Tomrorrow to cheer Steve up about his 4F and of course Bucky brought a date for him and Steve while I fifth wheeled it.  
Steve's girl naturally latched on to Bucky who was charming them both senseless. I was a little bit drunk on jealousy. Not that I'd show it.  
I tag behind with Steve.  
"try to look like you don't want to slit those poor girls' throats with their own nails" steve grabs my arm gently.  
"what? No. This is my happy face. See?" I try to grin but it looks far too forced  
"so natural"  
I walk ahead of Steve and Bucky and his followers to get a closer look at the stage but mostly because I didnt want to look at Bucky flirting his ass off.  
I get closer to the front of the stage as a man, Howard Stark, pulls a lever and the car on stage begins to rise. I was impressed. I look back to Bucky to find he's already looking in my direction. He grins at me, obviously impressed by the show as well. I smile back before returning my gaze to a now falling car.  
"well I did say a few years, didn't I?" stark says with such confidence that the fact his car doesn't work was forgotten by the crowd.  
Howard Stark's eyes scan the crowd below and stop when he reaches me. He grins and winks. I smile back but I raise an eyebrow all the same.  
The people around begin to disperse and I look back to see my party has left me behind  
"fu-" I begin but am interrupted by a handsome man, stark.  
"well, hello. The names Howard" he takes my hand placing his lips to it.  
I try to be polite. "hi"  
He tilts his head and says "will you not tell me your name?"  
"em, probably not, no" I search frantically through the crowd and soon spot Bucky heading towards me.  
"Katie" Bucky smiles and glances strangely at Stark.  
"so, it's Katie then" Howard Stark grins at me again and I notice he still hasn't let go of my hand.  
I tilt my head. Was he…was he flirting with me?  
"its actually Kathleen. Bucky is just stupid" I say my obvious distaste for his nickname showing.  
"Kathleen it is then. I was wondering if you wanted to come with me to my after party, it revolves around me, it's going to be great" Howard asks with a sly smirk.  
"no, we have to go" Bucky answers for me.  
I look to him in a 'what the actual eff are you doing' manner.  
"why don't you just let the lady answer" Stark says his grin never faltering.  
"her answer will not differ from mine" Buckys face is expressionless  
"ok," he shrugs "but if you change your mind" Howard gestures at me and then to the direction of the party and heads off that way.  
I swing around to face Bucky. "What. The. Hell"  
He shrugs his shoulders.  
"just saving you from an awkward social situation. You wouldn't have wanted to go"  
"how the hell do you know that? Did you even stop to ask me? No!" my voice was rising rapidly.  
Bucky was getting pissed off again. "I was trying to help!"  
"help me how exactly? From having a good time?"  
He grabs my arm "from becoming one of his little whores that follow his wealthy ass around like sheep" he was getting agitated and so was I. People were beginning to stare.  
I pull my arm violently away from him "is that what you think of me? I'm some kind of potential whore that needs to be stopped?"  
He sighs running a hand through his hair "Katie-"  
"no! Don't call me that! That's not my god damn name! And you are seriously one to be talking about Mr. Stark like that when your basically the exact same"  
"what?" he snaps. I'd really done it now but it seems my mouth wasn't done running.  
"two girls? One night! Which one are you bringing home? Or have you not decided yet? Perhaps it'll be both like last time you visited." I scream at him. By now everyone was listening in.  
Bucky is about to say something but I cut him off "do you seriously expect me to tag around after you all night while James Buchanan Barnes puts on a show for his line of female suitors? You think I care?" I was getting off track. "look, Bucky, I love having you back and I want to spend time with you but not like this. And if I want to get away from the Bucky Barnes show for a while, I will" I turn and walk away. He doesn't say anything else he just stays where he is.  
I walk into Howard's party and turn right back around once Bucky has left. I didnt want to go to the party, I never did but Bucky was walking a thin line with me as it was for a while now.  
He was so nonchalant about girls and how many he dated but when it came to me, when a guy even looked at me he'd get all weird and possessive and judgemental. It wasn't fair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Firstly, thank you for reading this chapter! Thoughts? Don't be shy, just comment. :)
> 
> I realised when writing this that I don't use dialogue appropriate to the time in which they're living in, so I'm sorry about that I just honestly don't think it would be as humorous without modern day use of words. 
> 
> Thanks to each person who takes time to read this and to the people who leave Kudos, you're fantastic.


	4. I Am Warning You Barnes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hehe.

"you wouldn't have wanted to go. I was helping. Your whore like ways would have overtaken your rational sense" I mutter imitating Buckys voice.   
I was frustrated. Frustrated with Bucky for acting like he owns me but only when it suits him. Frustrated with myself for saying such nasty things. All in all I was not in a good place.   
"the only person I've ever God damn kissed is you, you bastard" I slam my fist down on the counter, immediately regretting the action as I cradle my hand.   
I mean, come on? He was being unfair. But so was I. Or was I? I don't know. I sigh in anger and regret and just plain ugh.   
I was sitting in my flat alone. I hated my flat. I thought it would signify my freedom and independence but it seemed only to signify my imminent rent and bring out my 'i am going to die alone and raise an army of cats" side.   
"do you you really think I'm a bastard?"   
I scream and fall of the stool I was sitting on. I spin around and Bucky is standing over me, his expression unflinching.   
"no!" I scream at him but not in answer to his question "no, no, no, that's not ok" I'm still on the ground, trying to recuperate.   
"what?" he cocks that stupid pretty head of his to the side.   
"you know what! You not only enter my apartment without my permission-"  
"you leave your bedroom window open, I think of that more as an invitation" Bucky interrupts  
"then you sneak up on me!" I continue.   
"you would've heard me if you hadn't been busy cursing me to the great beyond"   
"I'm warning you, Barnes" I say but blush desperately at the realisation that he heard everything I just said.   
"I'm sorry" the sincerity in his face was irritating as he reaches out his hand to help me up.  
He was sorry. That means I had to forgive him. But I was so annoyed.   
"yeah, whatever" I say dismissively but all the while grab his hand.   
He pulls me up much more quickly than I expected and I slam straight into his chest. I pull away but he pulls me back into him.   
I couldn't help it, my heart began to race at our close proximity. I tilt my head up to look at him and give him one of my 'eff off' looks.   
He slips both of his hands around my waist and joins them together behind me. What was happening?  
"Katie Deveraux," Bucky almost whispers.   
"not my name" I correct him.   
"shut up" he smirks before crashing his lips to mine for the second time in my life.   
There was no time to think. My hand went to the nape of his neck, the other into his hair and I tugged the roots lightly.   
He moaned in pleasure and pulled me closer to him. There was no space left between us but even then it felt like we were too far apart.   
His lips, which moved softly at the start, pick up pace and I follow suit. He traces my bottom lip with his tongue, begging for access. Would I give it to him? How could I not. He slips his tongue into my mouth and I sigh in utter bliss.   
Both of his hands were on my waist, giving him complete control over where I moved. He walked backwards with me till we hit a wall. Using it to his advantage he pushed me to it and his hands travelled down to my thighs.   
Abruptly he pulls away. I glance at him, uncertain.   
"I think," he begins breathlessly. "Deveraux I think I'm in love with you. And have been for a while now"  
I smile uncontrollably. He said it. He said it first. I think of all these romantic and novelesque thing to tell him but come out with "so, shut up and kiss me then"  
He grins and does just that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, I'm so bad at writing those kind of scenes. It's so awkward and disjointed. I apologise. *hides in shame*  
> ~  
> THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR LEAVING KUDOS YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE IT IS SO MUCH APPRECIATED YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE! :D LITERALLY, EVERYONE WHO READS THIS I LOVE YOU!  
> ~


	5. Your Face In A Locket

It was the 17th of November at 6:07 in the evening when Steve knocked on my door. When I say Steve I mean the man who looked like he'd eaten the old Steve Rogers. It was a change to see him so capable and fit but over the past few months I'd grown accustomed to it and so had Bucky who had found it odd that the kid he had spent most of his life sticking up for was more capable of protecting him.  
-  
Speaking of Bucky ever since the night he told me he loved me, everything had been perfect besides the minor slip up when he went missing behind enemy lines but Steve rescued him. Bucky was sent home for a month to recover. Where did he end up? At my door. Pretending he was as fine as ever but I could see he wasn't. He never told me what happened to him when he was captured. I was uncertain I wanted to know.  
But during the month he stayed we found ourselves inseparable in a way we'd never been before.  
"Katie" he said to me when we were sitting in the kitchen one evening.  
"hmm?" I said nonchalantly, never looking up from my book.  
"you're my girl now, aren't you?"  
I look up slowly to meet his smug expression. He was so pretty but my god did I want to smack that look off his face.  
"I guess" I tried to look like I couldn't care less but I could feel the corners of my mouth twitching upward at the mention of me being his.  
I know that sounded like he owned me, like I was his possession but I knew he didn't mean it like that, just in the way that I was his and he was mine. I liked the idea of someone wanting me to belong to them in that way.  
-  
It was a shock to see Steve at my front door because he was supposed to be in Germany. Part of me knew what was coming but a larger part refused to accept it.  
"Steve" I smile and glance around the door for Bucky.  
"he's not here" Steve looked ready to collapse.  
I took a slow inward breath. "no" I say sternly as if telling him he's wrong.  
"Kathleen, he-I-I couldn't save him"  
"please" I said but I dont know why.  
"I'm sorry Kathleen. Bucky's dead" and Steve broke down in front of me and so did I. He pulled me to his large chest and we stayed there in my doorway for what seemed like an eternity, allowing the grief to swallow us.  
-  
Two days and 14 hours later I was sitting alone on the floor in the middle of my flat.  
"Bucky's dead" were the words that kept floating through my mind.  
I twist the little necklace Bucky had gotten me in my hand. The thin silver chain glinting in the cheap halogen lights. My finger traces the chain to the little circle locket engraved with the name "Katie"  
-  
I looked at Bucky strangely when he handed me a small velvet box  
"I swear to god Bucky if this is an engagement ring I'll throw it right back in your face" I said and raised an eyebrow in warning  
"open the damn box, Deveraux" he laughed circling his arms around my waist from behind me.  
I snap open the box to have my eyes met with a beautiful silver locket. It was so small and delicate. I pick it up to read the writing on the outside "Katie" it reads.  
"Really Bucky?" I laugh and elbow him playfully.  
"the thing about lockets is they open" Bucky places his lips to my ear and squeezes my waist.  
"you are acting like an impatient child" I turn my head backwards to face him and he places a light kiss on my lips.  
"open it"  
And so I do and inside the locket there's the picture of me and Bucky that was taken when we went to the carnival about a week ago. I smile at the memory.  
The photographer was ready to kill Bucky because he kept looking everywhere but at the camera.  
The picture in the locket was the last one the photographer took before giving up. Bucky had an arm around my waist, pressing me to his side. I was looking at the camera and smiling but Bucky was looking down at me.  
-  
It's a strange feeling when someone dies. When they just disappear into the one place you cant follow them.  
Bucky was like a gaping hole in my chest and I could do nothing to fill it. I was numb to the world but I still felt in pain at the thought of him.  
I look down at the locket in my hand again and put it around my neck.  
My throat was burning. I had a headache. My stomach was in pain. I felt ill but I knew i wasnt.  
Bucky Barnes was gone.  
I tilt my head back and look at the roof. I close my eyes.  
Suddenly, a rough hand clamps itself over my mouth. I scream in vain as it comes out muffled under this hand. There's a sting in my neck and something cold rushes through my veins. Then the world goes dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUNDUNDUUUUUN so ominous, except not really. Yeah. I can't tell you anything. Just wait for the next chapter :)  
> This chapter is a bit slow but it was necessary to lead onto the next chapter where you get to find put what happens to Kathleen. We're only a couple of chapters away from the winter soldier now, that's when it gets interesting  
> -  
> Every time I check how many hits and kudos are on this I giggle manically. Don't ask why. I am just so happy with how it's being received. Thank you!


	6. To Cease Breathing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is this it?

A pain shot through the side of my neck. My eyes flutter open to be met with a metal wall. I get up slowly, every muscle aching. I turn my head to the left. Three men stood in the room. One at the door. The other two where talking hurriedly to each other.   
I observe the tallest man first, not because he was tall but rather because the back of his head was completely red. I feared what he would look like when he turned around.   
The other man was much smaller and much more normal looking. He had little round glasses and was slightly overweight.   
Wait. Where they speaking…German?   
"ah, Kathleen, I see you have awoken" the small man says with a harsh German accent.   
The tall man with the red head turns then. I scramble to my feet in fear, my back pressed to the wall. He was horrific looking. I knew who this was. The man who captured Bucky. Johann Shmidt.   
My mind raced as I looked around the room for a way out. I noticed it wasn't just a room I was in. It was some kind of jet.   
"you couldn't get away even if you had the strength of Captain America" the man says almost laughing.   
Captain America? Why were they referring to Steve?  
"Why am I here?" I mean to say strongly but it comes out almost feeble.   
"you are a back up plan, let's say. Just in case you're friend decides to do something stupid"   
Friend? Where they talking about Steve?  
"we probably won't need you, just in case though" Johann signals to the guard and another steps out that I had not noticed before.   
They grab me by my upper arms and I struggle helplessly. I kick out at the guard and miss as he steps effortlessly to the side.   
I'm brought to some strange capsule. As it opens a blast of ridiculously cold air hits me. I shiver and pull away.   
"what is that?" I almost scream back at the men. The small man approaches me and the guards push me down so that I'm kneeling. I look up at him.   
"this may not work. You may die after the freezing. You're the first human we are going to put in this"   
I have no time to think before I'm shoved backwards into the capsule. They shut it and before I can even take a breath, everything stops. My body. My thoughts. Everything just ceases.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Emmm. Well I really don't like this chapter. It's more of a filler. The next chapter is better, I promise. I apologise for this mess.


	7. Nightmares Of Ice And Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't her time.

I feel a slight movement in my finger. I was freezing. The blood in my body ran cold. But it wasn't still anymore. It was moving.   
I can feel something making my chest rise and fall. I was breathing but not off my own accord.   
Voices murmured in the background. I felt disconnected. I was here but then again, I wasn't. I could feel my consciousness coming back however. Then I lose it and my world goes silent, once again.   
-  
"Katie" Bucky pleads from across the room.   
"I thought I told you to get out!" I scream at him "and that's NOT my fucking name!"  
He runs a hand down his face. "you know it wasn't like that"  
I scoff and turn to face him "oh, of course, you just kissed her but I shouldn't worry about it because it really wasn't like that"   
"how many fucking times do I have to tell you, she kissed me" he shouts. I was slightly taken aback. Bucky never raised his voice.   
"totally unprovoked? She just kissed you. Yeah because that happens" I turn back to my kitchen table and begin organising the papers on it. "you can leave now" I call back to him. I remember being furious. But then again I was overreacting and not listening. I had always had an awful habit of not making sense when I got angry.   
I hear the door slam behind me but footsteps make their way towards me.   
"James Buchanan Barnes I told you to-" I start before strong hands grab my waist, twisting me around. Lips crash against mine. I immediately melt into Bucky.   
And as quickly as he kisses me, he pulls away.   
"totally unprovoked. Kathleen Deveraux. I am in love with you and only you. Don't insult me by thinking I would ever jeopardise this for anyone"  
I bite my bottom lip, sigh, then look at my hands on Buckys chest.   
Bucky gently tilts my head backwards to meet his eyes with his finger.   
I breathe in and say "you called me Kathleen"  
"For future reference, when I call you Kathleen, I'm being serious"   
I pull him down so that his lips meet mine. He deepens the kiss and pushes me onto the table. His hands were all over me and mine, all over him. My face flushed red as he squeezed my thigh and his lips went to my neck.   
"I. Love. You." I say through airy breaths as he works his way to my jaw.   
He draws back and looks into my eyes. In that moment, right there, life was never better.   
-  
Everything hurt. I felt like I had been frozen and thrown into a frying pan. Every nerve burned. I wanted to scream but I couldn't move. I could feel something in my mouth and my throat. It was invading my space but I could do nothing about it. I was itching to move but I couldn't. The frustration was building in each second.   
-  
Steve's POV.   
"its been 3 days. Why hasn't she woken up yet?" Steve asks Fury nervously.   
When Steve had closed his eyes, he thought he'd died in the 1940's but when he opened them he found out he hadn't died and it was almost 100 years later. Disorienting, to say the least.   
When he had found out he wasnt alone he had been relieved. But Kathleen wasn't waking up and he was getting nervous.   
"she was put on ice, Steve. She doesn't have the physical ability to survive it like you did. She might never wake up. We are trying everything" Fury says sympathetically.   
Steve nods to him and looks back to Kathleen. Tubes and needles stuck out in disarray from her body. Her chest rising and falling only because of the machine they attached to her.   
"don't leave me alone, Kathleen" Steve whispers and grabs her hand.   
-  
My body was screaming with pain. I needed Bucky. Where was Bucky in this darkness? Then a pain worse than anything i had been feeling before hit me at the memory that Bucky was dead. But was I? Would it be so bad if I was?   
No. I needed to live. I wanted to live. I fought away the numbness trying to envelope my mind.   
A voice. I can hear someone. A low grumble. Steve? Steve. Someone had my hand in theirs. I hold onto the feeling of their warm skin against mine. I allow it to pull me out of the darkness. I couldn't breathe. I hear something beep uncontrollably. I cant breathe. I cant breathe.   
-  
Steve's POV  
Kathleen's heart monitor begins to beep too fast.   
"fury" Steve says and stands up straight. "don't you die on me Kathleen, don't you dare"   
Fury calls for a doctor his voice betraying his worry.   
Suddenly, Kathleen's eyes snap open.   
-  
I can't breathe. My eyes were open. I grab the instrument that had been stuffed into my throat and pull it out. I rip everything from me. I suck in the air around me. My breaths were shallow but I could breathe again.   
"Kathleen?" a familiar voice kneels in front of me.   
"Steve" I breathe a sigh of relief. Then I look around me. Everything looked strange. The man standing beside the door was dressed strangely. I look back to Steve and so is he.   
"something happened" Steve begins noticing my confusion. "This isn't 1943 anymore."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a bit of an apology for the previous chapter I'm giving you another chapter tonight. I hope you liked this one. Things are about to get really fun for me though because I get to write the avengers in to the story in the upcoming chapters.   
> -  
> Thank you everyone who's been reading and leaving kudos, I love you all. :)


	8. Wounds That Never Heal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time can't heal this wound.

Everyone I knew. All my friends. My parents. Dead. Bucky. Still dead. It was the worst and most tragic situation to be in. How did I react?   
"DIE, DIE, DIE! STEVE, JUST DIE" I scream in irritation as I shot at Steve and kept missing.  
I probably should clarify that I was playing a video game and only trying to kill Steve's character, not the actual Steve. Have I ever mentioned I have an awful habit of refusing to consider the severity of situations?   
Right now, I didn't want to feel sad because I know that the moment I let it in it will destroy me. Maybe one day I'll be able to let it in without it breaking me but for now, I needed to be distracted and the 21st century was definitely the place for distractions.   
I loved this century. It was so free. I felt like I was supposed to be born in this time.   
Women could wear what they want and say what they want. Technology was everywhere and there was no war. I liked it here. If only Bucky- no. I can't think of him.   
"I'm really bad at this game, but you," Steve laughs "you are appalling"  
My character was spinning in circles because I think I broke the controller. Steve's character approaches mine.   
"no, please, have mercy" I beg Steve and wack the remote on the floor in hopes that, that, will fix it.   
"YOU DIED. GAME OVER" the T.V. played sad music.   
I fall backwards into the couch. "hate you"  
"I really don't like these games" Steve frowned and got up to go to the window.   
"I think they're awesome" I lie out flat on the couch. Couches were really comfortable in this century.   
S.H.I.E.L.D had given us an apartment in New York so that we were close enough for them to access us at any given time. They had obviously bugged the place but I really didn't care, it's not like I was plotting the downfall of America. It bothered Steve though. He liked privacy. He was finding it difficult to cope with this new, fast paced world.   
"there's not enough space in this city" Steve frowned out the window, looking down on the line of yellow cars below.   
"I like it" I shrug "it feels, I dunno, full of life"  
"I miss Bucky" he put his head in his hands. He looked so done with everything.   
I freeze at Bucky's name. "don't" I almost whisper.   
"you never let me talk about anyone from back then, Kathleen. I need someone to talk to about this" Steve was pleading with me. I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough for this conversation, not yet.   
"let it go Steve. They all died almost 70 years ago" I say coldly.   
Steve smashes a fist against a small wooden table and it breaks, sending a vase tumbling to the floor. "technically, yes! But we woke up two weeks ago Kathleen! We had 2 days to deal with losing Bucky before our world's went black for 68 years! We wake to find that now, EVERYONE we love is DEAD" Steve shouted. "and don't think you can fool me with your devil-may-care attitude"  
I turn away from Steve. It was too late now, I'd let it in. I could feel the grief crippling me. I wanted my mom. I wanted my dad. I needed Bucky. I fell to my knees. Steve's large arms find themselves on my shoulders almost immediately.  
My breaths hitched in my throat and tears ran down my now red face.   
"we need this Kathleen" Steve hugged me to his chest and I could hear the pain in his voice "we need to grieve"  
I fear I may never stop grieving. Death is a wound that never heals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eh, once again, an iffy chapter. Soz. Finding it hard to write good stuff when its just Steve and Kathleen. Sorry about not uploading a chapter yesterday, it was my birthday so I was busy with cake. And presents. And the world revolving around me.   
> But now reality is back.   
> -  
> Thanks for the hits and kudos! :D  
> -  
> btw Bucky will be back soon I just need to re-watch the winter soldier so I can remember what happened exactly.   
> -


	9. Death By Stark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony was going to kill me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would just like to say I know NOTHING about motor bikes so I apologise if they way I describe them is wrong.  
> -  
> Also, this chapter is set after the events of New York and just at the start of the winter soldier.  
> -  
> There is a flashback in here just so ya know and don't get confused.  
> -  
> :)

"Tony, I need to learn how to defend myself. Look at me!" I gesture at myself and then to the broken mug on the floor "I'm too weak to lift my own coffee cup"  
"you tripped, you didn't crumble under its weight" Tony corrected me and continued fiddling with some sort of device.  
"same thing" I mumble under my breath.  
"em, no, not really" Tony says holding back a smile. "it's ok to be weak, we can protect you"  
"because you've been doing such a great job at protecting me. I was kidnapped by Loki last year and used as captain America bait. Even before that my incapacity to defend myself was getting in the way. I was attacked back in the 1930's and and and I was kidnapped by Johann whatever and put on ice which almost killed me because I'm WEAK"  
"but you have survived each time. I wouldn't call that weak" Tony said in an almost sing songy voice.  
"it's called stubbornness. I don't want to die, so I don't but one day the universe will find me and do everything in its power to destroy me. I would at least like to give the universe a fair fight"  
I had been pleading with Tony to allow Natasha teach me how to defend myself since the end of the New York incident in which I had been kidnapped by Loki for a short time and used against Steve. I seemed to always end up as leverage or a back up plan.  
In the years I'd spent in the 21st century I was introduced one by one to all the avengers. Tony took a liking towards me and I feel like he thinks of me as a little sister. I needed family nowadays. Bruce, I liked him. He was quiet and kind and I liked that about people. Thor was raucous but was always good to me. Clint I don't think likes me very much. I don't know why because I'm fantastic. Natasha I worshipped like a goddess. I wanted to be Natasha. Which was part of the reason why i wanted her to teach me self defence.  
"I'm in the business. I need to get with the business" I tried one more time  
"if by business, Kathleen, you are referring to S.H.I.E.L.D I think it's appropriate it to tell you your are not in the business, you're more of a 'keep an eye on her in case the ice destroyed her brain and she goes crazy' test subject. You live with me in the Avengers tower, not because you're an avenger but because I allow you to" he then curses as a wire sparks.  
"I'm in it though. And if I'm involved I'm going to get threatened and if I get threatened I'm going to get killed unless-"  
"ugh, FINE" Tony says in annoyance "your are 90 years of age, do what you want"  
I almost shout in excitement "thank you, you won't regret this"  
He grunts in reply.  
"wait, where's Natasha? Jarvis!"  
"yes, m'am?" an electronic sounding voice replies.  
"call Natasha"  
-  
"no" Natasha say nonchalantly and bats my punch away effortlessly with her arm.  
I try again and bring a knee up to her stomach, she steps to the side and says "no"  
I swing my elbow 'round in an attempt to hit her face and she ducks "no"  
"oh my god Natasha, what am I doing wrong" I say, exasperated.  
"what are you doing right would be a much shorter list"  
"fine, what am I doing right?"  
"you're standing"  
I roll my eyes and turn around. Natasha hits my legs from out under me and I crash to the ground.  
"and now, you're doing nothing right" her face seemed to hold no emotion but on closer inspection the corners of her mouth were fighting the impulse to turn upwards.  
"bitch" I breathe.  
She laughs and reaches out a hand to me. I take it.  
"you're a quick learner but you have to tighten it up, you watch action movies, right?"  
"yeah, all the time"  
You want to know how I knew that?" Natasha tilts her head and I nod in answer "you're punches are too large and sweeping, almost comical. In movies the actor is made to punch big to add drama but in the real world, big punches mean more time for me to deliver a blow to your unprotected areas"  
I let it sink in. Damn movies, making me look bad.  
"that's all for today, I'll be back tomorrow" she begins packing up her things and I head out of the room.  
"Jarvis?" I say  
"yes, m'am?"  
"call Steve and tell him I'm coming over"  
"right away m'am"  
I grab my helmet and tuck it under my arm.  
"Deveraux?" a warning voice sounds behind me. I keep walking. I'd been caught.  
"don't you dare" Tony says.  
I turn to face him standing behind me. His arms were crossed and his brow, furrowed.  
"Tony, it's rush hour. If I don't use the bike I'll be late to see Steve"  
Tony was having none of it. "get inside"  
"I'm taking the bike"  
"no" he says authoritatively.  
I look at him as if to say fine and he relaxes. Then I sprint out the door. I hear him shouting behind me.  
"Jarvis, bike" I shout  
A silver motor bike rolls out in front of me and I hop on. I shove the helmet on my head and drive.  
Tony thinks that just because I'm technically 90 years old and have been immobile for 70 of those years and the minor fact I don't have a drivers license meant that I was going to crash his bike. But I had practice.  
-  
"now, gently, gently, push the accelerator" Bucky instructed me.  
I nervously sat in the front of the motorbike and Bucky sat behind me. I'd been at this for hours. I would keep going to accelerate and either chicken out or press it too hard. Due to my driving I had more than once sent one of us flying off the bike. Bucky had fallen off more times than me. He had the bruises and cuts to prove it. And yet, he didn't give up on me.  
I push my foot down lightly to accelerate. It jumps forward and I get a fright and slam the brakes.  
"that was good, now just press it lighter and don't break this time" he says against my ear.  
I try again and this time I'm moving, not too fast but still moving.  
Bucky cheers and I smile. I did it. It took me hours but I did it.  
After half an hour of driving I pull over and kill the engine. Bucky jumps off first and then helps me down.  
"did you see that?!" I say like a child.  
"well done, doll" he smiles proudly down at me. He pulls me to him.  
"thank you for not murdering me for almost killing you…5 times" I say as I notice small scrapes on his face from when he fell off the bike.  
He smirks and I stand on my tip toes to place my lips lightly to his.  
-  
"you steal Tonys bike, again?" Steve raises his eyebrows and stands outside the doorway of his apartment.  
"borrowed" I say from down the hall, a blonde girl passes me and smiles back at Steve and starts saying something about his radio being on.  
I smirk at Steve "who's she? She's cute. You dating her?" I tease him  
But Steve isn't listening to me. Music is playing in his apartment.  
"Steve?" I whisper.  
"wait here" he orders me and goes to the hallway window and climbs out. I assumed he was going to crawl through his window. Something was wrong. I could sense it.  
I waited for about 3 minutes and then gun shots went off.  
"shit" I stumble backwards and the blonde girl from before pushes past me and into Steve's apartment, practically knocking down the door.  
I follow her in to be met with the scene before me. Fury had been shot.  
"oh my god" I whisper under my breath.  
"you" Steve says to me. "get out of here, lay low, stay safe"  
I nod, I was in shock. Steve runs off in pursuit of Fury's assailant.  
"is there anything I can do to help?" I ask the blonde girl  
"no, I got this, you should leave in case there's someone else around"  
I leave the apartment, practically running to my bike. I speed away. I was never good with death. I never reacted appropriately. Fury was a friend and I just left him to bleed to death to save my own ass.  
I brake suddenly, almost sending myself flying over the handle bars. I had to go back. I turn the bike but I misjudge the weight and it falls to the side, I'm sent sprawling to the ground. It wasn't an awful fall but I was wearing no padding so it hurt. The bike, however, was a bit torn up. Tony was going to kill me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoving the avengers in there because who doesn't love them? The winter soldier will definitely be in the next chapter. Excited? I am. It's probably just me who's excited...  
> -  
> thanks once again for the kudos and for taking the time to read this :D  
> -


	10. Who Was He Now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He looks to me, his eyes so blue. I could see it he was lost. Confused. Angry. Frustrated. He was my Bucky but then again, he was not.

I was getting the silent treatment as Tony fixed up his bike. It was easy to repair but as he put it I not only broke his bike, I broke his trust. I laughed when he said this which just got me into deeper shit.  
My thoughts were more on the fact that in the accident the glass in bucky's locket cracked. I would have to get it fixed but the thought upset me in a way. The glass in the locket would no longer be the original glass. It would change. I could finally say after Bucky's death, I was happy again but that didn't mean I forgot about Bucky. I learnt how to cope, not forget.  
Tony sent me outside, yes, outside, like a dog, when I ran into a warm wall of muscle. I look up and am met with a bruised face in a black t-shirt. Brock Rumlow.  
"step aside, Rumlow" a familiar voice said from behind him. He steps aside to reveal Alexander Pierce.  
"shall we talk" he smiles "inside"  
I nod and turn back around.  
-  
"are you aware of you're friends crimes against S.H.I.E.L.D?" Alexander Pierce asked me and sat down on Tony's couch.  
I frowned. "Steve? Committing a crime? Not possible"  
"he has chosen to withhold information on Furys death and as a result of this is now being held as a fugitive in the eyes of S.H.I.E.L.D "  
"so youre wondering if I've seen him?" I ask flatly  
"I want to know when you see him" he sits up straight.  
I eye him up and down. "fine" I lie "but I don't think he's done anything wrong"  
"that's fine" Pierce stands up and walks so close to me I want to push him away. "but if you even think about running off to find him, we'll know"  
-  
"what are you doing?" Tony exclaimed upon seeing me running out of the house.  
"running off to find Steve" I admit. I had been kept under house arrest for a day. They soon realised, Steve wasn't stupid enough to come to the avengers tower.  
"you heard what Pierce-" Tony began  
"yeah, I did but Steve is my best friend, something's happened, I need to find out what"  
"there really is no arguing with you" Tony runs a hand down his face.  
"no" I grin at him "I'm not stupid Tony, I'll be home, later. They'll think I've gone shopping, I don't know"  
"yeah, sure"  
I kiss him on the cheek and I'm gone.  
-  
I was running around New York all day, I'd been to the Smithsonian, Steve's favourite restaurant, every hotel and hostel in the city and nothing. Of course I wouldn't find him, S.H.I.E.L.D couldn't, so I hardly could.  
I was heading back on the direction of the subway when an explosion sounded on the freeway above. A man fell fast and hard into a bus. A circle metal object crashed to the ground close by. Steve.  
I didn't know what to do. Gunshots were being fired in a series of directions and I was just standing there. Natasha runs past me, telling everyone to get out of here. She doesn't notice me. A man grabs my shoulder and tells me to run. He was a stranger. Just trying to help me. And then he was on the ground, one bullet to the head. I look to Natasha. Another shot is fired and she falls. Shoulder wound, she would be fine.  
I turn around, everything moves too slow, like in a dream and you try to run but you can't do it fast enough.  
A man was walking towards me, his gun was raised into the air. He reloads it. A black mask covered half his face, showing only his eyes. Blue. He never takes those hauntingly familiar eyes off of me as he passes right by me. I stare straight back at him, imitating a woman without fear.  
I bring my elbow to his jaw, the action surprising even me, but his metal arm catches it mid-swing. He grips it tightly and I cry out in pain. He lets go immediately and pushes me aside. He jumps onto a car and shoots at Natasha again. Another body crashes against him, sending him flying.  
"you ok?" Steve asks breathlessly. I nod quickly. The winter soldier rises quickly but Steve is quicker.  
It would be dangerous for me to involve myself in their fight, unarmed. I look desperately around for some sort of weapon. Something hard hits the back of my head and my world spins. My legs are kicked out from under me and I'm on the ground instantly. A man has a gun to my head and begins to press the trigger. A metal arm hits him to the side. I'm pulled up and the winter soldier places himself between me and my attacker.  
"stand down" the man says "this is not your mission"  
The winter soldier raises his gun and without second thought, shoots.  
Steve seizes the opportunity to resume their fight.  
Did he just? Did he just save my life? The winter soldier? What was happening? There was something oddly familiar about him and yet very alien at the same time.  
Steve throws him backwards and he rolls to stand up, his mask falling to the ground.  
The moment that he turned to face me and Steve was the most bitter sweet moment I have ever experienced. That face I knew so well. That face that no longer seemed to know mine.  
"Bucky?" Steve breathes.  
There is a silent and hopeful pause and his name hangs in the air. The sharp words that come next shatter the delicacy of the moment.  
"who the hell is Bucky?"  
Buckys voice. The voice I thought I'd never hear again. The voice I believed to have died with its owner many years ago.  
He shoots but Sam swoops in, knocking me and Steve aside  
He looks to me, his eyes so blue. I could see it. He was lost. Confused. Angry. Frustrated. He was my Bucky but then again he was not.  
He looks down. Uncertain. But he goes to shoot. Natasha fires some sort of gun causing a large explosion.  
He just disappeared as quickly as he came. I stand there wondering if what I just witnessed actually happened.  
Cars and guns surround me. They came from nowhere but I almost don't hear them. A single name floats through my head. He was alive. But who was he now? An assassin credited with over 200 assassinations in the past 50 years. That wasn't Bucky. Was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for not uploading a chapter yesterday, it's just for some reason I found it really hard to write this chapter. I hope you liked it, it's a bit all over the place at the moment but the next chapter will be neater, promise. My thoughts are just everywhere right now :)  
> -  
> THANK YOU FOR READING AND THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO LEAVE KUDOS! :D


	11. Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He lifts up the locket dangling around my neck. Then he opens it. He snaps it closed almost immediately. He looks to the ground, his eyes darting wildly as thoughts raced through his mind.

"not here" Brock threatens the man with a gun pressed to Steve's head. They'd found him and I'd been found with him, putting me in the same boat.  
"that one" a gruff voice sounds behind me and before I know it two sets of strong hands clamp down on both my arms.  
"hey, what are you doing?" Steve demands and gets a blow to the back of the head in response.  
I struggle half heartedly because I knew it was hopeless. Steve, Natasha and Sam are brought into the back of one van and I am brought by myself into another. Brock comes up behind me, grabbing both my hands tightly and tying them behind me.  
I'm shoved into sitting position in between two men with guns. I stare point blank at Brock who chose to sit in front of me.  
"the Winter Soldier killed a man for almost killing you. Why?" Brock demands.  
"you expect me to know?" I lie. Maybe Bucky wasn't gone, he'd saved me after all.  
Brock laughs coldly. "you're good at this, but trust me, you're not good enough"  
I raise an eyebrow and remain silent. It stayed this way for almost 30 minutes until the car came to an abrupt stop.  
Brock stepped out first and ordered his men to start digging graves. Shit. I'm dragged out by the two men on either side of me and around to the back of the other van. I expected to see my three friends but what meets my eyes is a large hole cut out from the bottom of the van. I smile. Brock punches the side of the van and then points to me. "her, in the van, now. We're taking her to Pierce"  
-  
My shoes click against the marble floors as I am brought down a series of hallways. I am brought face to face with Alexander Pierce. That bastard.  
"Oh, Kathleen" he says dissapointedly shaking his head.  
My chest rises and falls rapidly but I couldn't let my fear show on my face. I just couldn't.  
That seems to be all he wants to say and I'm led behind him into a room with a caged door.  
"sir" a man tries to get Pierce's attention "he's unstable, erratic" Pierce passes straight by him  
Men in shirts and dickie bows surround Bucky. Bucky. He is sat down on a chair. His eyes never staying still. That is until, he spots me. He looks weak and vulnerable and my heart collapses I needed to go to him but even if they let me, I doubt he'd receive affection warmly.  
"mission report" Alexander Pierce demands. Bucky refuses to take his eyes off me.  
"mission report, now" he grows impatient.  
Once again Bucky doesn't respond. Pierce walks up to Bucky and unexpectedly hits him across the face. I jump forward but am held back by a guard with a very large gun.  
Bucky seems unfazed by the act of violence but when he looks up he looks to Pierce.  
"the man on the bridge, who was he?" Bucky asks silently.  
He was talking about Steve. What had they done to him that made him forget his own best friend?  
"you met him earlier this week on another assignment" Pierce says. Never in my life had I wanted to to hit someone more than in that moment.  
"I knew him" he glances to me then. I smile sadly as if that would encourage him to remember.  
Pierce sits down and begins feeding his lies to Bucky. "your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society's at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning, we're going to give it a push. But. If you don't do your part, I can't do mine. And Hydra can't give the world the freedom it deserves."  
Bucky looks to him, like a child "but, I knew him" he smiles sadly.  
My heart was breaking at his every word.  
Pierce sighs and straightens up. He looks at me then. "here" he gestures towards me. The guards grip on my arm loosens. I walk toward him. Pierce grabs my upper arm too tightly and I wince. Bucky starts forward slightly. "who is she?" Pierce demands.  
Buckys brow furrows, something he always did when he was thinking. He begins to say something but stops when something else catches his attention. He stands up abruptly causing me to involuntarily step back. I wish I hadn't. He licks his lips and looks to the ground. He didn't want to frighten me. Pierce releases my arm and watches what unfolds.  
He reaches toward my neck. He lifts up the locket dangling around it. Then he opens it. He snaps it closed almost immediately. He looks to the ground, his eyes darting wildly as thoughts raced through his mind.  
-  
BUCKYS POV  
That was me in her locket. Me and her. But I don't remember it. I don't remember her but yet I do. I knew her, the same way I knew the man on the bridge. Yet, it was different with her. I'd hurt the man on the bridge but I didn't want anyone to touch this girl. Right now I wanted to hurt Pierce for touching her.  
What was her name? I couldn't remember. Too many thoughts. Who was I?  
"James Buchanan Barnes, you know me" the girl says. That voice. I knew it so well. It was a distant memory. The name she spoke of. That was me. It had to be.  
Pierce says something but I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts. That is until the girl is taken roughly away from me and the back of a hand is hit across her face. The thoughts clear from my mind instantly.  
-  
KATHLEENS POV  
The hit had split the skin on my cheekbone. Brock was wearing a ring on the hand he used. Bastard.  
I straighten up to look Brock in the eye. Then he is knocked out of my view.  
Bucky grabs him by the throat with his metal arm and tightens his grip, Brocks face turns purple. Guns are all pointed at Bucky ordering him to stop. He isn't listening. He is in a blind rage. They would shoot him if he didnt stop. Pierce stood in the corner without expression.  
"STOP" I screech "BUCKY PLEASE"  
He turns around to me and only when he meets my eyes does he take his hand off Brock's throat. The guards grab him immediately, shoving him back onto the chair. He has given up though, he doesn't fight.  
Pierce lets the dust settle before speaking "prep him"  
Bucky looks heartbroken at those words.  
"he's been out of cryo for too long" the man who warned Pierce of Bucky's instability at the door says.  
"then wipe him and start over"  
"what?" I ask nervously "what does that mean?"  
The man walks over to something but my eyes are on Bucky. He looks so sad but then his face turns hard, like a switch, as some sort of black gum shield is placed in his mouth. Metal clamps close over his arms and something else places itself around his head. His chest rises and falls rapidly. He was scared.  
Then it starts. Electricity is sent through his brain and he screams in pain.  
"STOP! PLEASE!" I cry out, tears forming around my eyes. I didn't want to see him hurt. Guards begin to drag me out of the room but I never stop screaming and swearing and begging. The tears are still pouring down my face when they put me in small square room.  
"we'll deal with her tomorrow" Pierce tells Brock. He smiles smugly at me, then leaves.  
I hit the barred door. I knew it wouldn't help me get out. But I did so anyway.  
By now, Bucky was probably wiped clean. No memories. He would be alone and it broke my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BOOM another chapter. You like? Things are getting good now. I have so many ideas. I can't wait to unload them all onto you all.  
> -  
> Btw I noticed two little plot holes in the last chapter. If you notice them, I apologise. Just pretend they're not there. I was tired...  
> -  
> THANK YOU AGAIN FOR THE KUDOS AND ALL THE HITS :)


	12. Never Being One For The Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is now set after the events of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. Meaning after moment Bucky drags Steve out of the water. You get me?

The guard shuffles outside the door of my cell. He was bored. I was too nervous to be bored. I had too many things to question and attempt to comprehend. By this point I needed a distraction or my head might overheat.   
"so," I walk towards the door. "what's your name?"  
The guard ignores me at first but then sighs and faces me. He was an average looking guy, his ears were perhaps too large. But they gave him character, I liked character.   
"what harm can it do, right?" I shrug referring to him answering my questions  
"Gareth" he replies almost cautiously.   
"Gareth" I echo, just seeing how the name sounded in my mouth. "look Gareth, I don't suppose you want to let me out?"  
He laughs and shakes his head.   
"you sure?" I pout.   
"kinda" he grins.   
"how long have I been in here then?" I sit down on the stone ground.   
"from around 8pm last night, it is now," he checks his watch "10:12pm, the next day"  
I sigh in frustration. I needed out, I never liked being trapped. I ask Gareth when it's most likely they'll let me out. His face falls.   
"I am under strict instructions" is all he says  
"what are those instructions?" I frown.   
"when I receive the order, I am to kill you"  
"hmmm, interesting development Gareth" I say as I consider his words. "I don't suppose you'd rather restrain from that?"  
This time, he doesnt reply  
-  
Had it been hours or maybe it had been minutes? Time stood still as I, along with Gareth, waited for the order for my death.   
My mind travelled to Bucky. I remember how many times I wished and prayed and hoped he wasn't dead. That was all I wanted. It had happened. I should be glad. I wanted him back, but not like this. Not like this.   
There's a crash and Gareth is on the floor writhing in pain. A boot is brought to the back of his head and he's knocked unconscious. Or dead. I don't know.   
His assailant turns to me. Messy brown hair covers a familiar face.   
"Bucky?" I breathe.   
He uses his metal arm to rip the metal door of it's hinges. He stands there then. The expression on his face looked more like he was here to kill me, rather than rescue me.   
"Katie" he says like a question. Never had I been more happy to be called by the wrong name.   
There was a moment of silence between us. We had no idea what to do next.   
"i have to go" Bucky breaks the silence "Hydra will find me soon enough"  
"I'm coming with you" I state  
"no. You're not. I've let you out of here. Now go" he says roughly and starts walking away.   
For two seconds I'm left there stunned. Oh my god, I was going to kill him.   
"em, no!" I shout after him and run to catch up with him, he was a fast walker.  
"you listen here, Bucky. I thought you were dead for a very long time minus this little hiccup where I didn't think at all, I'll be damned if you think you're going anywhere without me" I lecture him.   
"hiccup?" he questions but doesn't look back at me, just keeps walking.   
"seriously? Have you not wondered why I'm here when you knew me in and before the 40's?"  
"I've had a lot more on my mind, like trying to remember who the fuck I am" his voice drips with venom.   
I wince at his tone, Bucky never talked like that.   
"how much do you remember?" we were getting close to the exit now, I could see a litter of guards' bodies that Bucky must have taken out to get in.   
He sighs "I-I don't know. I remember Steve but I don't know how. The same with you. I remember names but not memories, all I have is a feeling of familiarity. I know the person, just not how I know them"  
He didn't know who I was. He didn't remember that we were together. This. Is. Shit.   
"I was put on ice, like you but slightly different, they built it for humans, it almost killed me when I was re-awoken, safe to say it was a bit of a dodgy procedure" I explain to him.  
"why'd they do that to you?" he asks sadly and we exit the Hydra base.   
"I was a back-up plan, leverage, I don't know something that was to be used against Steve by Johann Shmidt"  
He whips around to face me then. "go home"  
"no" I protest   
"You are not safe, go find Steve" he turns around again and starts walking down the street.   
"bucky" I grab his arm. Mistake.   
His metal one swings round and grabs me by the throat. I crash into a wall and he holds me there. His grip on my throat was cutting off my airway and I gasped for breath.   
His face was clouded with anger. He looked ready to kill me. His eyes, however, held only sadness. I grasp at his metal arm, trying and inevitably failing to pry the fingers off my throat. I was feeling dizzy now.   
Suddenly his face changes and softens and then he looks scared. My vision is going dark around the edges. His hold on my throat is no more and I fall to the ground coughing and gasping for air.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
What have I done? Why did I attack her. Her. Of all people, why did I attack the one I didn't want to hurt most.   
I was broken. My mind was broken. This wasn't who I was but I couldn't remember who I was.   
I stare down at Katie who is still breathing heavily. Regret washes over me.   
She starts to stand up, I go to help her and she flinches. She was scared of me now, wasn't she?   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
I flinched, I regretted the action the moment I did. His face almost crumbles. He looks so broken and I want to hug him but now I knew how contact was reciprocated.   
I stand up straight again and say something he least expects me to say in a very hoarse voice "I'm coming with you, Barnes"  
He frowns. He probably thought it wasn't safe, it probably wasn't safe, but I wasnt going to allow him to leave me here.   
He grabs my upper arm, suddenly, causing me to jump. The look of determination on his face reminding me of when he used to play poker with me and Steve when we were younger, using matchsticks, he'd always cheat. He loved to win.   
I'm shoved into the passenger seat of a car and he gets into the drivers seat.   
"the rules" Bucky says "do what I tell you to"  
I raise an eyebrow. I was never good at following the rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! Now THIS is the part I've been waiting to write! It's road trip time for Bucky and Kathleen! I'm way too excited about my own story…  
> -  
> Keep them kudos and hits coming, guys! Love you all! and don't be afraid to comment! The worse thing I do is get hyped up and write REALLY REALLY long replies…  
> _


	13. Long Drives, Longer Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a half naked Barnes sleeps next to you, it's bound to be a long night.

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air between me and Bucky. We'd been driving for hours. I'd offered numerous times to take the wheel but he refused my offer each time. There were so many questions I wanted to ask him and I'm sure there were so many he wanted to ask me but neither of us knew how to ask them.   
I'd drifted off to sleep in the fifth hour of driving. I woke with a start when Bucky slammed on the brakes.   
I mumble incoherently and finally gather my thoughts "w-what? Why?"  
We were in the middle of a freeway. Cars honked their horns and speeded by.   
"Bucky, what are you doing?!" I screech.   
"I'm from Ohio" he points to a sign above the road and written across it in block capitals it said "OHIO, 40KM"  
"yes, we are, now drive!" I shout at him in disbelief. Was he insane? He was going to get us arrested.   
"you're from Ohio too?" he looks to me and his eyes are wide. He looked so god damn cute.   
"we grew up together, Bucky" I smile sadly at him. "from the age of 15"  
He starts to drive again. He had his thinking face on.   
"Bucky, let's stop for tonight. You must be exhausted, you've been driving for," I check the clock "8 hours!"  
"Hydra will find us if we stop" he says almost robotically.   
"Hydra has just been shattered, I have no doubt theres more out there but they're going to need some time to recuperate before they think about revenge"  
He was silent for a moment. "ok"  
-  
Fifteen minutes later and we have pulled up outside a hotel on the road side. We had driven to a cash machine in Washington and I had used the card Tony gave me for emergencys, to withdraw $10,000. I'm sure he wouldn't mind, it was after all an emergency.   
The hotel was nothing special, trying too hard, but not too disastrous. Unlike the original place Bucky had stopped at.   
Bucky is about to get out when I stop him.   
"we need a guise" I say   
He furrows his brow and looks at me oddly.   
"look, here," I gesture to his metal arm "that's a bit obvious"  
He tilts his head to the right, the way he used to. I look into the back of the car. There was soda cans and papers everywhere.   
"who's car is this?" I ask and Bucky shrugs in reply.   
"look!" I say in delight as I spot a jacket in the back. I grab it and hand it to Bucky. It was brown leather and smelled of old man but it would do for now. I grab a cap and pull my hair up into it.   
We climb out of the car and Bucky shrugs on the jacket. You could still see his metal hand. I look to him as if to tell him.   
"I know, I'll deal with it" he says dismissively and begins to walk inside the hotel.   
A woman sat behind a desk that looked as if it hadn't been varnished since I was born. The lobby, if you could even call this little square that, seemed to have a peach theme. The colours made me feel ill.   
Buckys cool metal hand slips under my jacket and onto the small of my back, he accidentally lifts up the back of my shirt with his pinky finger. "I told you I'd deall with it" he whispers close to my ear.   
But I barely heard him. He was only holding on to me to hide his hand. He couldn't even feel me under his metal palm. That, I was grateful for because he may have felt the heat in my skin rise at his touch.  
"hi" I say to the woman behind the desk attempting to regain composure. I think Bucky noticed as he was looking at me oddly. "room for two" I tell the woman.   
She eyes me up and down, almost dissaprovingly but her eyes widen at the site of Bucky. Then she looked to his hand on my back and you could almost hear her heartbeat fall in disappointment. She throws a key onto the desk and Bucky takes it.   
"room 17" she smiles at Bucky and doesn't even glance at me.   
I roll my eyes and follow Bucky to the elevator. Once inside, he releases me.   
Uncomfortable silence resumes it's place between Bucky and I.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
In the middle of the room was a small double bed. Katie and I stare at it momentarily.   
"it would have been weird if I asked for separate rooms or separate beds" she says apologetically.   
Its not like I minded sharing a bed with her.   
"it's not like we hadn't before" I think to myself.   
Wait. Had we? This happened all the time, where I would think something but not understand what it meant or I couldnt remember the memory behind it.   
"I'm going to take a shower" Katie gestures to a small door on the other side of the room.   
I nod to signal that I heard her and she disappears. I hear the water turn on.   
I sit down on the bed and exhale. I was ridiculously tired. Life as of late was very tiring. Not being sure of who I am was tiring. I felt like a large part of me was missing but it seemed less empty around Katie. I needed her and I didn't even know why.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
I let the hot water run onto my back, relaxing my muscles. I was the opposite of tired. I had pent up energy or nervousness. I felt like I was a virgin bride on her wedding night. Minus the virgin part. And the fact I wasn't getting any tonight. In the past it would have been so easy to sleep next to Bucky. But this was a Bucky that didn't know me and to a certain extent I didnt know him either. This thought saddened me greatly.   
After about fifteen minutes I am done showering, leaving the shower room in the large t-shirt I had been wearing for the entire day. I was hardly going to wear my jeans to bed. Anyway, the t-shirt covered my ass, so I was basically modest. Bucky would just have to deal.   
-  
BUCKYS POV  
She was wearing nothing but her t-shirt. Her legs were so long. She was beautiful.   
She ties her wet hair up in a bun and the t-shirt rides up a little to high, revealing a black pair of underwear that fit her very nicely. I was point blank staring. I really didn't care if she noticed me doing so.   
And notice she did, she coughs "Bucky, you can take a shower if you want"   
He face was flushed and she was getting flustered. This was a familiar look on her.   
I walk past her into the bathroom to have a shower and I can't help the corners of my mouth upturning as I do.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
He smirks at me as he enters the bathroom. My t-shirt wasn't that short, was it?  
The moment he closes the door, I jump straight onto the bed like some little kid. I wasn't tired yet so I switched on the tv.   
I flick through them casually and stop abruptly.   
"Natasha Romanoff's bold statement over why the United states would not bring her into custody, leaves the government reeling" a presenter says.   
"well done Tasha" I whisper.   
-  
It had been about 10 minutes when Bucky came out of the shower and I swear I felt my heart go into cardiac arrest.   
He was wearing no shirt. No shirt. His chest was rippled with muscle and I was having heart palpitations.   
I was lying in bed at this point, he got in next to me. We both faced away from each other. I couldn't get the thought that Bucky was half naked next to me out of my head. I wasn't even tired. This was going to be a long night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about not uploading yesterday, I was very tired and my creative voice was nonexistent.   
> -  
> Thank you for reading! Thank you to those who leave kudos! I love you so much you beautiful people!  
> -  
> xx


	14. Taking Down The Winter Soldier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of conflict never hurt anyone.

"I need to go shopping. I cant wear the same clothes for the rest of my life. It's not hygienic" I complain to Bucky. We were driving aimlessly once again.   
"we can't stop again" he says snappishly referring to my bathroom breaks.   
"I can't control my bladder Bucky! It's either pull over or I piss myself" I lean back in the car seat.   
He glances at me "you possess all the class of a homeless person"  
I flip him off and look out the window.   
"we're going shopping" I state.   
"no, we are not"  
-  
I shove a blue jumper into my shopping basket that was getting heavier by the second. Bucky was looking around nervously and following me.   
"you should probably pick some stuff up for yourself" I say absent mindedly and point in the direction of the mens clothing.   
"you could get abducted" he looks suspiciously at a man who passes by.   
"it would hardly be new territory for me" I say jokingly but he frowns down at me.   
"not in the mood for jokes, I see" I pick up some socks and begin heading into the underwear section. He freezes and grabs my arm.   
"hey! Ow"  
"I'm not going in there"   
"Bucky! I can't exactly wear the same underwear forever"   
"I'm not going in there" he repeats solemnly  
I smirk at him "you scared of some bras and panties? If we had this information before, taking down the winter soldier would've been a toss"  
He rolls his eyes and let's go of my arm.   
"stay here" I say before disappearing into the sea of underwear.   
When I re-emerge Bucky is shuffling awkwardly around the aisle I left him in.   
"who are the avengers and why is Steve with them?" he picks up a pair of socks with the faces of the Avengers on them.   
"long story short, Steve saved the world with some other cool people"  
He looks at me in confusion "you're an odd little thing aren't you"  
I scoff in disbelief at what he just said. "come on, let's go find you some clothes"  
-  
The bill had amounted to €300. Thank the Lord for Tony and his money.   
"you've bought enough clothes to last a year" Bucky complains as we walk towards the car.   
"I like to have options"  
I open the boot to put the bags in but find there is no room.   
"w-what the-" I begin as my eyes widen in disbelief. Bucky shuts the boot quickly.   
"put the bags in the back seat" he says and gets into the drivers seat of the car.   
I get into the passengers seat and turn to Bucky.   
"would you like to explain to me as to why there is enough weapons for an army in the boot of our car and why I was never told?"   
"do I have to tell you everything?" Bucky begins to back out of the parking lot.   
"yes!" I almost shout. I pause and then ask "can I have one?"  
"no" he says bluntly   
"why?"   
"you'll shoot your foot or something"   
"I will not-"  
"no. Shut up"  
"did you just tell me to shut up?" I ask my temper rising.   
"remember the rules; do what I say. And I say shut up" Bucky was actually serious.   
"here's the thing, I don't do rules very well" I raise my eyebrows at him.   
He looks to me then. He was having none of my shit.   
"I can shoot a gun Bucky. And considering that we're in danger, I need to protect myself" I was having flashbacks to my argument with Tony over allowing Natasha to teach me self defence.  
He pulls the car over and looks to me solemnly "shut up"  
"make me" I challenge him.   
His chest rises and falls as he takes a sharp breath. "You. Are the most. Infuriating girl. I've ever met."  
"so, can I have a gun?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quite a short chapter, sorry. But I hope you enjoyed it :)  
> -  
> thank you so much for the kudos and to each person who reads this! It makes me so happy that you like what I write!   
> -  
> Never be afraid to comment either, I welcome critique or compliments or questions on where the eff I'm going with this story :)


	15. My Name Is Not Katie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Volatility, violence, guns and all that fun stuff.

"shit, Katie" Bucky ducks as I turn to face him.   
"oh come on, it's not loaded" I gesture towards the gun in my hand which I had forced him to give me. "contrary to popular belief, I'm not that stupid"  
Bucky puts his hand out and I place the gun in it. He pulls back on the slide and a round falls to the floor.   
I chew my lip and nod. "ok, I take that back, I may be that stupid"  
Bucky smirks at me and I smile back.   
-  
"where are we going exactly?" I say as I lean back on the bed flicking through a magazine. We had chosen to stay in a decent hotel tonight or rather I had chosen to stay in a decent hotel tonight. We got seperate beds this time to avoid the awkwardness.   
"I don't know" Bucky says staring out the window "eventually, I will decide to take down Hydra. Then you'll have to go"  
I chuckle and flick over a page of the magazine. "good luck with that"   
"why are you here?" he turns to face me and I look up from my magazine.   
He was frowning but not in anger just in confusement.   
"every second you're with me, you're in danger. So why risk it? Who was I to you?"  
I look away from him. It hurt that he did not remember what we had been. It would be a mistake to tell him. He might feel pressured into something. I didn't want to give him something else to worry about and so I then made the stupidest mistake of my life. "I was your friend, Bucky. This. This is what friends do"  
Both our heads whip around to the door as a loud knock sounds. I look to Bucky in puzzlement.   
"get your bag" he whispers to me.   
I hadn't unpacked so I just swing it onto my shoulder. He opens the window and I crawl out onto the fire escape. Then the door crashes down.   
"run" he shouts and I can hear gun shots being fired behind us. We run down the stairs of the fire escape but I'm not moving fast enough for Bucky. He grabs me by the waist with his metal arm and throws me over his soldier. Then he jumps. We were three stories up and he jumped. He crashes to the ground and I'm winded against his shoulder but am more or less fine. Bucky doesn't even have a scratch. Shots rain down around us as we sprint to the car. Bucky drives and never stops until we are two states over.   
-  
He didn't talk to me for the entire journey. He seemed mad. Infuriated. He pulls over outside of a bus station. It was early and no one was outside.   
"get out" he says. "get out and go home"  
My mouth opens in shock. "no, Bucky-" I start but he gets out of the car before I can finish. He opens up my side and drags me out.   
"let go" I order him, pulling away "don't you dare touch me" I break free and hit his chest.   
He grabs my arm, twists it and throws me against the car. He holds me there. Our faces were inches apart.   
"leave" he says dangerously  
"take your hands off of me" I threaten him   
This was not Bucky. He would never raise a hand against me. I knew the man standing in front of me but I didn't know him now. His face was hard, cold, unfeeling and most importantly, unfamiliar. In that moment my hope for him was lost. And then it happened. His face crumbled. He smashes his fist against the side of the car, denting it. He screams in frustration and falls to the ground. I move away from him.   
He was volatile. He was dangerous. Every bit of sense in my head screamed "run" but when I looked to the man on the ground all I saw was the Bucky I had been in love with for so long.   
I lean down in front of him so that I'm sitting in between his legs and I touch his cheek. He flinches but doesn't lash out. I look into his eyes and I am drawn into those seas of blue like the very first time I saw him.   
"I want to protect you but I don't know how to protect you from myself" he says hopelessly.   
Tears sting the corners of my eyes. I draw my arms around him and for the first time in 70 years I hold Bucky again. He doesn't move at first but he eventually relaxes into me.  
"you are going to be ok" I tell him  
"am I?" he draws back and holds my shoulders so that I'm in front of him "because it feels like it's only getting worse. I've killed, Katie. I remember each man, woman and child that I murdered. I don't know who I am. I feel like I never will. Do you understand what it is like to not remember who you are? To look at someones face and know it but not remember how?"  
I shake my head as my brow creases. His brunette hair falls into his eyes.   
"you didn't murder those people Bucky. It was Hydra they made you. You weren't even aware of what was happening. I know you, Barnes. I know you would never intentionally hurt innocent people"  
His eyes soften as he meets mine. "it's not safe to be with me, Katie" he tries one more time  
"I know" I stand up and reach my hand out to him "but safe isn't really my thing and my name isn't Katie"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if it's clear or not but the people who were shooting at Bucky and Kathleen were Hydra, just in case you didnt know, I didn't write that part very well, my apologies :)  
> -  
> When I started writing this my goal was to get 300 hits and maybe a couple of Kudos. I now have over 300 hits and 17 kudos. You have no idea how much it means to me to have people enjoy what I write. I appreciate so much. Just, thank you so, so much. :)  
> -


	16. Eyes On The Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eyes on the road to avoid facing the facts.

"I'm starving" I complain.   
"what am I supposed to do about that?" he glances in his rear view mirror, still nervous after the attack from Hydra.   
"are you not hungry aswell?" I lean back in my chair with my boots on the dashboard.   
"I don't pay attention to things like that"  
"McDonalds!" I shout pointing at the sign that read the restaurant was the next turn up ahead.   
"McDonalds?" he echoes questionably   
"no" I say in shock "don't tell me you have never tried the salty heart attack that is McDonald's. When I was woken out of cryo I ate it for two weeks straight before Steve intervened"  
He turns toward the restaurant. He glances at me strangely. He's been doing that a lot lately.   
My hand goes to my locket on my neck. I always seemed to be twirling it in my hand or sometimes just holding it, an old habit.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
From the corner of my eye I can see her playing with the locket around her neck. The locket with the picture of us inside. Did I give it to her? I had no recollection of doing so. She might have bought it herself but why would she treasure it so much if so? I must have given it to her. But why? She said we had just been friends. Why would a friend buy another a locket with a picture of them inside. Looking at her now I couldn't imagine why I would ever be just friends with this girl.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
"eyes on the road Bucky" I remark upon noticing him looking at my locket.   
"where did you get it?" he asks.   
"you" I reply honestly.   
"why did I give it to you?"   
"there!" I point at the Mc Donalds building. "go around the drive through way"  
He does just that and after a small wait in the line of cars we pull up to the microphone.   
Bucky stiffens on hearing the voice emerge from the speaker. He still didn't understand technology that well. I give him a warning look as of to say "don't punch it"  
I have to lean slightly across Bucky to be heard in the microphone  
"two large fries and two large cokes" I half say and half shout.   
I wait for some response and as I do so I'm suddenly aware of my proximity with Bucky. My shoulder was almost touching his chest. My hands were leaning against the car door on his side. I could hear him breathing, feel his warmth. And he wouldn't take his eyes off me.   
"thank you for placing your order, please wait in parking bay 17 and your food will arrive shortly."  
I pull away from Bucky and he parks in spot 17.   
I stared out the window but I could still feel his eyes on me.   
"you know, just because half your brain is frozen, doesn't give you the right to stare" I turn to him with an eyebrow raised.   
He smirks at me the way he used to "I wouldn't call it staring, I'd call it admiring" he says and suddenly his face goes blank  
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
At those words I remember something, something from long ago…  
-  
Katie sat beside me in class. She was only 17. Her brunette hair hung like a curtain on one side of her neck, revealing her porcelain like skin. She scribbled something into her notebook about something in class. I hadn't been listening.   
"stop smirking at me" she says never tearing her eyes away from her page.   
"what?" I laugh silently as so the teacher won't hear me. "can I not be happy?"  
"you can, just don't do it while staring at me" she gives me a dissaproving look.   
"I wouldn't call it staring, I'd call it admiring" I wink at her.   
She rolls her eyes but smiles all the same.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
His eyes move quickly seeing things that weren't there.   
"hey, Bucky?" I place my hand lightly on his shoulder.   
He flinches and I brace myself for the reaction. Yet, he does nothing. He looks to me then and his eyes seem different, they seem a little bit more revived.   
"Katie-" he begins  
"Kathleen" I correct him  
"I remembered a memory of you" he says  
Silence hangs in the air. I was shocked. Someone knocks on Bucky's window and he rolls it down to be met with a chirpy employee handing us a creased brown paper bag of our food.   
"here's your order! Thank you so much for coming to McDonald's"   
I smile and Bucky pulls out and we are back on the road.   
"how much do you remember?" I say hopefully  
"one random memory" he looks to me "it was invoked by me saying the same sentence I said before"  
"if only I could remember everything you said back then. Truth is, I probably wasn't listening to you" I say jokingly.   
"you're hilarious" he says sarcastically but the corners if his mouth are upturned. His mood has been lightened by remembering something of his past.   
I open the bag of McDonald's and begin eating the fries. Bucky gestures for his food and I place his drink in the cup holder between us and hand him the fries.   
He eats one of them and passes them back to me with a disgusted look on his face. "that's not right. That is salt and shit"  
"it's beautiful" I say defensively and snatch the fries off of him.   
-  
A black car had been following us for a couple of hours now. All the humour from earlier today had been wiped off Bucky's face. He was silent. When Bucky was like this it made me afraid.   
The car wasnt driving at any suspicious speed, it wasn't even a suspicious looking car. It just kept following us.   
Bucky and I and the car were driving at 70km/ph. It was all very relaxed but nervous at the same time. It was dark. I didn't like that.   
"take the wheel" Bucky orders me.   
I don't argue. I take the wheel and he climbs around me. I replace his foot on the pedal with mine.   
This was no time for things like this but I couldn't help my already fastly beating heart from racing a little more as Bucky placed his hands on my waist to move behind me into the passengers seat.   
He reaches into the back and picks up a very large gun. I knew nothing about guns that large. We glance behind at the car again. Bucky rolls down the window. Everything was moving slowly. Then the car turns down a different road. I breathe a sigh of relief. We were being paranoid.   
Bucky places the gun into the backseat, covering it with a coat.   
-  
Bucky was in the shower. We had pulled in at another hotel to stay the night.   
I went to the window to open it. This was hard. No, not opening the window, being on this road trip with Bucky. It was hard that he didn't understand who I used to be to him. In a way this version of Bucky wasn't the one I fell in love with. Then again, there were moments when he was. Everything was so confusing.   
Then my thoughts stop. I catch sight of a car in the lot below. That car. The one that had been following us.   
I turn to scream to Bucky. We needed to get out of here but I am met with a hand over my mouth and a gun to my head. I'm drawn into a man's chest and held there. I don't dare to move.   
Bucky exits the bathroom at this time and sees me immediately.   
His face clouds with fury. He moves to grab his gun but the man holding me speaks.   
"move, I shoot" he pushes the gun closer to my head.   
That voice. I knew that voice. But Bucky didn't.   
He stood there chest heaving.  
"listen, I am here to help" the man removes his hand from around my mouth and puts the gun away.   
Bucky charges forward immediately. He hits the man down. I scream at him to stop but he doesn't listen.   
"Bucky!" I grab his arm and he hits me away. I slam into the far wall. Ow.   
Immediately, Bucky's face fills with regret. He pauses his attack on the man to see if I'm alright. I don't even look at him.   
The man seizes this opportunity to draw his gun and point it at Bucky.   
"I am Nick Fury, former S.H.I.E.L.D agent, friend of Steve Rogers and Kathleen Deveraux" the man says.   
Bucky looks to my confused. I nod to say it was true. Bucky eyes the man suspiciously and then goes to me.   
I'm sitting on the ground, a little bit winded and bruised.   
He leans down in front of me. "I'm sorry, Katie"  
I look at him sadly "it's fine"   
He wraps his arms around my waist to help me up and sits me on the bed. He sits with me, his hand never leaving my waist.   
"it's good to see you Fury" I smile up at him.   
"you too, Kathleen" he smiles affectionately at me.   
"why have you come?" I ask   
"I followed some Hydra rats that turned out to be following you. I took care of them. I thought it might be wise to advise you as to where you should go next. Hydra has known bases in certain states. You need to stay away from them" he says sternly  
"show us where they are" Bucky says.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Throwing some Fury into this chapter. I wrote this at 1am this morning and I couldn't be bothered to proof it so I'm sorry if it gets weird or hard to read...  
> -  
> thank you for reading you awsome people and thank you to those who leave Kudos. :D  
> -  
> hint: fury won't be the only marvel character appearing in this story... So mysterious


	17. Just Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Too much sexual tension to consider things like friendship.

Missouri, Minnesota, Arkansas. The three closest states with known Hydra bases, or so Fury had told us. He had left shortly afterwards to follow a lead in Maryland.  
Bucky and I had to drive through Iowa to avoid the states. Bucky had a plan. He was headed for Mexico. That was all I knew so far. He wasn't the most talkative of people when he had a plan.  
Bucky was sitting shotgun as I drove. This was weird because Bucky never let me drive, so far. Maybe he felt bad about throwing me into a wall. At that thought I move my bruised soldier that was hurting - to be frank - like a bitch.  
Bucky looks over then at the shoulder I moved. "you alright?" he asks concerned  
"I'm fine" I say reassuringly "but perhaps next time, don't throw me against hard surfaces"  
He frowns at me "you're not funny"  
I grin "oh come on"  
"I don't mean to do it, it's a reflex. I'm sorry" he puts a hand on his forehead.  
"Bucky, if I didn't forgive you, you'd know about it"  
That makes him smile a little bit.  
"so, what does this plan of yours entail?" I question him.  
"you don't need to know"  
I glance sideways at him. I never liked secrets. I needed to be in the know.  
"your role in the plan, I can tell you" he says and I sit up straight  
"tell me"  
"tell me about how I was before. Tell me everything"  
I inhale shakily. It was time to revisit old wounds.  
"ok. When I was fifteen I moved from Wicklow, that's in Ireland, to Ohio. Wait. Sorry I'm talking about myself" I apologise.  
"no, continue, I want to know about you"  
I can feel Bucky's eyes on me. My hands go to the locket around my neck and I fiddle with it.  
"emm," I begin again "I moved to Ohio. I know, big change. My father found a job over here and Ireland was going through tough times in regard to money. They just got their independence from Britain. Ok, this is turning into a history lesson" I laugh and expect Bucky to interrupt me but he just waits for me to continue talking.  
"we moved in beside Steve. Steve and I, we hit it off immediately. He was the most heroic, self sacrificing human I had ever met and I was the complete opposite so I admired that in people. He was a lot skinnier back then and shorter and always managing to get himself into scraps. He had his best friend to defend him though, he always protected him even if that meant the friend got the shit beaten out of him too"  
"that was me" Bucky almost whispers. I nod to him. "what about you and I, how did we meet?"  
I smile at the memory. "picture a pig squeezed into a dolls dress. That was how I looked when you first met me"  
"pink" Bucky says  
"excuse me?"  
"pink. Your dress. It was this light shade of pink. It was the most horrendous dress I'd ever seen but I remember that you looked beautiful irregardless"  
My brow furrows and I feel my eyes sting "what?" I whisper  
"I remember that night. The Christmas party. I remember being there. I remember thinking, the moment you walked in, that you would look stunning in anything you wore. I remember I decided to call you Katie instead of Kathleen and I remember the look of irritation that crossed your face"  
"you really remember?" I say softly. I glance at his face that looks like he just discovered something life changing and then I look back to the road.  
"tell me more, I need to know more"  
I jog my memory for different memories and proceed to tell him his entire life story. Some things he nods at and others he draws a blank at. But this was progress. Bucky Barnes was remembering who he was.  
-  
BUCKYS POV  
Halfway through the day I had taken the wheel. Katie had spent hours reciting my past. I remembered most of what she told me but not all. I was piecing myself back together, slowly but I wasn't lost anymore.  
Katie had fallen asleep in the fifth hour. Her breathing is soft and slow. I glance to her and she has her head leaning against the window, her feet curled up under her.  
I pull in outside of a run down motel. I get a room and return to the car for Katie. She had moved so that her head was leaning against the chair. When I open the car door I consider waking her but decide against it. I gently pick her up bridal style and carry her to the room. She moves, slightly awake but not quite. She places her head to my chest and my heart jumps.  
I remember what she said to me the day before. We had only been friends. Just friends. So then why did I feel this way? Why was I drawn to her. I hold her closer to me as I kick open the door and shut it behind me.  
The rooms all came with king-sized beds so I place her on the side farthest from the door. She stretches out on the bed and I take off her shoes. I pull the blankets around her and look at her face. She was so beautiful. Her features were so delicate and for the hundredth time I think "really? Just friends?"  
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
I'm woken by something. I sit up straight and look around me. Where the hell was I? The room was shadowed with night. I was in a bed, I look to my left and relax. Bucky was here so that meant it was ok.  
Bucky was thrashing and crying out. Nightmare. I thought I'd read somewhere that you weren't supposed to wake people when they were having nightmares…or was that sleepwalkers…  
What was I supposed to do? Bucky is sweating in fear. He whimpers and my heart breaks. I needed to wake him.  
"bucky" I whisper at first and grab his shoulder. His skin was hot under my hand. "bucky" I shake him but he doesn't wake. I shout his name and grab his shoulders.  
He sits up straight too quickly and I'm knocked backwards. He grab my shoulders and throws me down onto the bed. His hands wrap around my throat. His face looked afraid.  
"bucky" I whisper tightly under the pressure of his hands  
His face softens and he loosens his grip. Bucky puts a hand on either side of my head.  
"I'm. Sorry" he says through jagged breaths. Still recovering from the nightmare. He hangs his head.  
I couldn't help it. I needed to comfort him. Every part of my being screamed for me to do so.  
"hey" I place my hands lightly on either side of his face and he brings his eyes to mine "you're ok"  
He doesn't break my gaze. My heart begins to speed up. I smile comfortingly at him. His brow furrows for a split second and then he crashes his lips to mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY! They kissed. In the 21st Century. But does this mean they'll get back together? Will Bucky remember all of his past with Kathleen? Well you'll just have to read on to find out...  
> -  
> I am so grateful for all the hits and kudos. Thank you so much <3  
> -  
> never be afraid to comment :)


	18. The Oddest Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was in love with Sergeant Barnes, not the Winter Soldier.

I clear my throat. Well, this was uncomfortable. Bucky kissed me last night. He kissed me. Now he was acting strange though. He seemed angry and yet embarrassed. I never knew where I stood with him.   
As we both stare straight ahead at the road, I can't help it, I start to laugh slightly. I cover my mouth with my hand to hide it but Bucky has already noticed.   
He looks at me questioningly. My eyes were beginning to water slightly as I gasped for air.   
"I'm sorry" I laugh "I-I don't know why-" I can't complete the sentence because I'm laughing too hard.   
Bucky smiles but tries his very best not to.   
"I laugh at the most inconvenient times" I look out the window to hide my face.   
"you are the oddest thing, you know that?" he looks at me grinning.   
"I'm ok. I'm ok" I repeat trying to calm myself down from my fit of giggling.   
"listen Bucky," I smile still fighting the urge to laugh "you kissed me. Big deal. Let's just move on. I get it, you were vulnerable, you needed comfort"  
Bucky shifts uncomfortably. "I'm not vulnerable"  
"ehm, yeah, yeah you are"   
"I can kill you without even trying" he raises his eyebrows.   
"physically you're not vulnerable, mentally, however, you are as stable as Amanda Bynes" I tease him.   
Bucky frowns at that. "I don't know this woman but I can't help feeling that's insulting"  
I smile at him and he looks to me.   
"what about you?" he says  
"me?"  
"Yes. You are hardly mentally well"  
I scoff "excuse me? My mental wellness is much better than yours. Need I remind you that youre a rehabilitated assassin and half your brain is probably still frozen?"   
"I will give you that, I have issues but I wasn't born with them. You, on the other hand, you are just plain weird"   
He was cajoling me. I could see it in those perfectly blue eyes of his.   
"rude" I laugh and he just shrugs at me.   
-  
"Bucky" I whine and glance around the car park nervously.  
It was dark, I never liked the dark. We were somewhere in Nebraska.   
"would you wait a second?" he says exasperated inside an unfamiliar car.   
"must we hotwire someone's car? I don't feel comfortable stealing some poor dude's stuff"  
"Katie-" Bucky begins  
"Kathleen" I interrupt  
"Katie, we need to change cars, we should have done it ages ago. People will recognise the old car if we continue to drive it"  
"I know, but what if this is some old lady's car" I complain.   
Bucky pokes his head out of the large red car to give me a look. "it's a Chevy truck"  
"old ladies can drive cool cars" I defend myself.   
He returns to the inside of the truck.   
"what if its a college boy's Chevy and his father gave it to him when he was leaving for college and then his father died and this car is all he has left of him?"  
The car engine starts and Bucky stands up out of the vehicle. "get in the car"  
"I'm just saying" I frown.   
Bucky goes to our old car and begins removing the armory from the trunk to the new one.   
"oh, what if it belongs to a murderer and he hides his victims in tiny pieces all over the car" I speculate.   
Bucky nods his head and puts a hand on the small of my back basically pushing me into the car. I go without protest, my mind stirring with possibilities about the owner of this car.   
"it could belong to a drug lord who has his meth stashed in the boot and then he'll try hunt us down along with Hydra"   
Bucky shuts my car door once I'm seated and walks around to his side.   
"Katie?" he says once seated.   
"hmm?"  
"shut up"   
-  
I liked the Chevy. It was spacious. The front seat was not two separate seats but rather a comfortable couch like seat of soft brown leather. It was very 30's.   
"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with," I pause briefly looking out the windows "P"  
"people" Bucky guesses in one go.   
I curse. "fine," I whine "your turn"  
"do I have to say the entire 'i spy' sentence?" he frowns.   
"eh, yeah, go"   
"I spy," he looks to me. He looked physically pained at having to say the next sentence "with my little eye, something beginning with 'W'"  
"walls?"   
"wrong"   
I sound the W out and say "walkers"  
He looks at me oddly "what the hell?"  
"you know, people who walk" I imitate someone walking by moving my shoulders in a walking motion "it's a perfectly valid answer"  
"well it's not the right one"  
I look out the window trying to think of what it could be. "waffle?"  
"no" he was beginning to enjoy the game. I could see it in his smug face.   
"wipers?"  
"nope"  
"Wheels!" I cry out, sure I'd gotten it.   
"wrong" his grin widens.   
"water?"  
He shakes his head  
"walrus?"  
He just rolls his eyes.   
"wings?"  
"not even close"  
I look desperately out the window, searching desperately. I couldn't lose.   
"watch?"  
"do you see a watch?"  
"walkway?" I say uncertainly  
"look out the window and look for things starting with 'W'" he orders smirking.   
"women?"  
He laughs "seriously?"  
"wonderful?"  
"that is an adjective"  
"I know it's an adjective. It was a joke, I swear" I trail off looking out the window.   
"oh my god" I scold myself mentally  
Bucky realises I have gotten it and grins spectacularly at me. He really was beautiful.   
"window" I say   
"finally" Bucky cheers.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
She didnt know. I hadn't told her. Should I?   
After I kissed Katie, I remembered her. I remembered even the smallest things like how, out of habit, she used to push her hair behind her ears when she concentrated but she never liked the way she looked with her hair behind her ears so almost immediately she would bring her hair forward again.   
I remember that she bites the inside of her lip to a flesh torn mess when she's nervous.   
I remember she loved to read, not only books but everything, sign posts, the back of cereal boxes, manuals.   
I remember taking her dancing and remember her tripping up and and forgetting the steps.   
I remembered the way she used to look at me when we would lay on her couch in her small dingy apartment.   
I remember how after she sneezes she apologises.   
I remember upsetting her to the point where she would cry and I remember her driving me insane with her irrational jealousy.   
But most of all, I remember how I felt. I remember what it was like to say those three little words and have them said back to me. I remember how idyllicly painful it was to be in love with Kathleen Deveraux.   
I feel it now as I sit beside her, as she waves her hands around in dramatic gestures as she talks. I feel what I felt some 70 years ago. I feel absolute devotion. I feel absolute pain. I feel love.   
I wanted nothing more than to reach for her and tell her all these things but something stopped me. A fear. A fear of not so much rejection but of change.   
Katie had been in cryo since the 40's. She's lived 2 years since then. She seemed the same. I was not. She was in love with Sergeant Barnes not the winter soldier.   
I loved her. That had not changed, but I had.   
If it told her that I remember what we used to be then she would think the Bucky from long ago was back. He wasn't. I was messed up. Far too messed up to be healthy for anyone. I wanted the best for Katie and I was not that.   
She wanted me, but not like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No offense to Amanda Bynes, it was just a joke. Sorry.   
> -  
> Badadum whatcha think? I like this chapter. It's a bit slow but I love writing these moments between the two.   
> -  
> A certain avenger may or may not be making an appearance soon...keep your eyes peeled.   
> -  
> I LOVE YOU ALL FOR READING THIS! AND FOR LEAVING KUDOS! :)  
> -


	19. Used To The Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You been taking care of her?" Steve asks like a protective older brother.   
> "Always" Bucky replies.

"that's a lot of stars" I gawk looking out of the car window and up at the clear night sky.   
We had pulled over down a small country lane. We were going to sleep in the car tonight. Bucky had informed me that it was unsafe to keep a pattern going. So that meant, no nice warm hotel for me.   
I had two jackets on and I was still shaking from the cold.   
"you know," Bucky says "you're probably still freezing because the window is open"  
"don't sass me" I mumble but still, I roll the window up.   
I shuffle uncomfortably. The space was beginning to feel confining. I needed to stretch out or lie down.   
"you'd think," I smirk, already amused by my untold joke "that after spending 70 years on ice that I would be a bit more used to the cold"  
Bucky grins with shut eyes. He was having no problem getting comfortable.   
"we need to invest in some blankets" I suggest. I could feel the tiredness taking me farther and farther from waking world until everything went silent.   
-  
BUCKYS POV  
At some point in the night both Katie and I had moved into different positions. She was now resting her head on my lap, stretched out on the seat. I had one hand prospectively around her waist. It was instinctive.   
Something had woken me though. I hear a car engine running and I'm alert. Muffled voices sound from outside. I reach down to my belt and grip the gun.   
In one swift movement the car door is open and my pistol is pointed at a man's head. He looked familiar. I dont falter though, I hold the gun aimed at his head. I would've shot. But a another man getting out stops me.   
"Bucky" Steve says calmly raising his hands "just put the gun down"  
I didn't know what it was but I felt physically incapable of doing what he asked.   
"where's Kathleen?" Steve asks concerned  
I stare at them both, my face hard. What was wrong with me? This was my best friend and I didn't trust him.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
I stretch as I wake up. The voices which had woken me were louder now. Where's Bucky? I look at his empty seat and glance out of the windows of the car. He was standing with a gun pointed at…was that Sam? And Steve? I fumble at the door handle on the drivers side and slide out.   
"Bucky?" I say softly so that I don't startle him. He refuses to take his eyes off Sam and Steve.  
"Bucky" I walk beside him and touch the arm that's holding the gun.   
He glances at me and back to them. He was uncertain. He inhaled sharply.   
"it's ok" I comfort him  
He glances at me a little longer this time and then he lowers his gun hesitantly.   
Once it's in his belt again the entire mood relaxes.   
"Kathleen" Steve smiles and I run to him as he envelopes me in a large hug.   
"Steve" I say against his shoulder.   
"you disappeared" he draws back and holds me in front of him. His face is lined with concern.   
"I was abducted, again, by Hydra. Bucky came back for me and we've been road tripping and getting shot at and playing I spy"   
Steve looks to his best friend and smiles sadly. I can see Bucky do the same. He approaches Bucky.   
"you been taking care of her?" Steve asks like a protective older brother.   
"always" Bucky replies   
And then Steve brings Bucky in for a hug and Bucky allows him to do so. No freaking out, no being thrown into anything hard. He just hugs his best friend.   
-  
BUCKYS POV  
I wouldn't allow Katie to go too far on her own. I couldn't have her hurt. I needed her to stay near. But Steve wanted to talk to me alone. So she sat on the opposite side of the café with Sam. However, she now sat alone after Sam spotted a girl and his interest was drawn.   
Katie bites her lip and looks around the café bored. She catches my eyes with her green ones and gives me an exasperated 'hurry up' look. I smile involuntarily.   
"Bucky," Steve began from his seat beside me.   
I look at him all humour gone from my face.   
"do you remember-" he begins but I cut him off.   
"Steve, I remember everything. I know who I was"  
"does Kathleen know that you know?"  
I shake my head "if I tell her, she'll think that Bucky is back. He's not, not completely. She doesn't love who I've become. She loved who I was. I'm not ready to disappoint her like that"  
Steve considers this and quickly informs me that I shouId tell her anyway before asking me why she was still with me.   
"she doesn't take orders very easily" I smirk  
Steve returns the expression but then it drops "have you had any run-ins with Hydra?"  
I nod solemnly. "Steve? I think you need to convince Kathleen to go home. It's too dangerous"  
"I will. You should come back too Bucky. You're not safe either"   
"no" I say simply.   
Steve frowns at me and then leans back in his chair.   
"please tell me your super soldier secret meeting is over. I don't like sitting alone. It's sad" Katie appears beside us to complain.   
Suddenly, she stiffens. A man stands behind her. Something metal pressed to her back. I move but he cocks the gun making me freeze.   
"now, you're going to come outside" the man looks to me "or your girlfriend loses her insides"  
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
It was never a fun experience having a weapon pressed to your side.   
Bucky and Steve were forced to walk ahead of me and the man currently threatening to kill me. Sam had disappeared.   
As I glance around the mall I can see other members of Hydra. All dressed in black. All with hands in coat pockets, probably holding guns, watching us carefully.   
The man had the gun pressed to me under my t-shirt so that all the passersby saw was what looked to be a couple with the man holding me around the waist. If only they knew.   
"down the stairs" the man orders Bucky and Steve. Bucky glances back at him murderously but follows his orders.   
We enter a pair double doors into a hallway. There were no Hydra men or women on the stairway down. No doubt they'd soon follow. Just as the thought enters my head I hear footsteps behind me.   
"hey" a familiar voice calls out.   
The man looks around and is met with a boot to the face. The man's gun falls to the ground along with an unconscious him and I look up to the man who saved me.   
"Sam, thank you" I smile at him.   
He winks at me and instantly I feel an arm wrap around my waist. I look back and my eyes are met with a worried face.   
"are you ok?" Bucky runs his eyes down my body for signs of damage.   
"I'm fine" I reassure him.   
"we won't be for long" Sam says "Hydra is posted on both sides of this stairway. There is no way out without being noticed.   
I glance out of the glass window from the stairway and into the mall. I immediately notice the Hydra rats posted throughout the mall.   
"there's only one way out" I chew my lip nervously. "Sam, you wouldn't happen to have your handy little wings?"   
"is it bad that I left them in the car?"  
I breathe, my mind whirring. I spot some Hydra men advancing in this direction. So does Bucky.  
Before I know it, strong arms are wrapped around me and we are falling out of the window. Glass falls all around us and I can feel it split my skin. My biggest concern in that moment was the momentum at which we were falling to the ground. We were falling down two floors.   
Then the ground hits us. Bucky lands on his metal arm and does his best to shield me from the ground. It worked. I didn't die or break anything but it hurt, a lot. This would probably distract most of the Hydra guards and give Steve and Sam a better chance of escape. Bucky must be in a far worse state but he is standing in an instant.   
I hear orders shouted from above us and then the hail of gunfire rains down around us.   
A bullet scathes my side and I cry out.   
People scream. People run. People fall.   
Bucky wraps his metal arm around me and drags me out of there. I'm in shock. I'm in pain. I wanted to go home but what was my home anymore?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can not wait to begin work on the next chapter. So many ideas. So many.   
> -  
> I really want to thank you all for the hits, the kudos and the comments. It appreciate it so much. Thank you. :)  
> -


	20. The Bad, The Volatile And The Dangerous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An AMT Hardballer, a broken Bucky and lack of clothing. How could you not enjoy?

Tears sting the corners of my eyes as I clean out the various wounds on my body in the motel bathroom. Most were little cuts from the glass but one, on my side I got from when a bullet whisked by me, leaving me scraped. It was awfully painful. I place a large cotton pad over it and sellotape it down. Yes, we had no time to get proper bandages.   
Every muscle ached from the various bruises of the fall. I spot the numerous yellowing patches of bruising on my skin. By tomorrow they would be a spectacular purple.   
I wince as I put a long and very large t-shirt over my head. Anything tighter would agitate my damaged skin. The t-shirt fell to just above my knees.   
I shakily open the door and walked nervously into the room of the motel. I was shaken up.   
I spot Bucky instantly, sitting on the bed, facing the window. He sits there motionlesslly.   
His muscled back is exposed and I can see the extent of his injuries. Deep purple bruises had already formed on his skin. They were large and unhealthy looking. Scratches, large and small, showered his back. I imagined the front was much the same.   
I read his mood instantly. You could feel the dark atmosphere hanging in the air like a shroud of mist.   
I open my mouth to say something and shut it again. I was uncertain as to what to do next.   
I spot the ragged flesh on his shoulder connecting to his metal arm for the first time. It looked sore.   
I go to the counter top in front of him and pick up the glass of water on it, along with two painkillers. I swallow them and turn to face Bucky.   
He stares right past me and out the window. Expressionless. I watch him for a moment and my eyes are drawn to a deep red wound bleeding profusely from his side.   
"Bucky!" I panic and look around the room for the cotton pads I'd used on myself. I swipe one up and run back to Bucky, who, unsurprisingly, had not moved.   
In my panic, I don't think and I press it to the winter soldier's wound.   
His eyes snap down to look at me at this unauthorised contact and he grips my forearm, the cotton pad falls to the ground.   
He throws me back on to the bed. He didn't even need to use his metal arm.   
I turn to crawl away on my stomach and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pain ricochets through my side.   
I feel a cold hand grab my foot and drag me back to him. He flips me over and straddles me. His wound was bleeding faster than ever now.   
A metal hand clamps down on my throat and I struggle desperately.   
"Bucky, don't" I cry out desperately.   
"you're my mission" he growls and I feel my heart race with fear. He wasn't seeing me. He wasn't speaking sense. He was confused.   
It was difficult to breathe now. He wasn't holding back.   
"B-Bucky, it's me. It's Katie" I choke out under his grip.   
He looks at me suspiciously but his grip never loosens.   
I reach out beside me with my hand and my fingers come into contact with something. Material. My jeans. I'd left them there. I had a gun in the back pocket. I drag them closer to me, the task increasing in difficulty and urgency as my airway becomes blocked.   
My hand meets the cold metal of an AMT Hardballer and I swing the butt of the gun to Buckys temple. He falls slightly sideways and his hand releases me.   
Gasping, I bring my knee up to his nose, stunning him.   
I sprint to the door, every fiber of my being ached and stung. I fumble with the door lock with shaky hands.   
I swing it open but it crashes shut with such incredible speed and force that it splinters slightly.  
I feel my body thrown backwards and I smack my head against a wall. The world spins. I see a figure approach me and I raise the gun.   
"don't Bucky, please" I beg him, the gun trained on his forehead. I was sitting but I had a good shot.   
He freezes, his bare chest rising and falling rapidly.   
"I am not your mission. I am not your enemy. I am Kathleen Deveraux and you bloody loved me once. So. Do. Not. Kill. Me." I say strongly but all the while a tear fell down my face.   
Recognition and then regret flares in Bucky's eyes. His posture and expression soften and he turns from me and sits on the bed.   
I clench and unclench my jaw. Then, I lower my gun. It falls to the ground with an unceremonious thud.   
I pick up two more cotton pads, tape, filled a bowl with warm water and picked up the alcohol from the table. I approach Bucky cautiously and kneel in front of him, between his legs. His eyes are trained to the floor but he forces them to meet mine. Guilt was evident on his angelic face.   
I hold up the pads, the bowl, the tape and the alcohol to show him what I was doing. He nods.   
I dip a cotton pad into the water and bring it to the torn flesh on his side. He winces slightly. I dab the area and then pour alcohol on the pad.  
The silence was deafening.  
I place a hand on his knee to warn him that this would sting. He breathes in.   
I bring the alcohol to his wound and he stiffens. He clenches his jaw, evidently capable of dealing with far worse pain than this. I cover the wound with the last cotton pad and tape it tightly to his side.   
I wash the blood from my hands in the bowl of water. Drying them on my t-shirt.   
I stand to walk away but he grabs my hand. I look back to him.   
"what?" I snap. I was annoyed he tried to kill me. Again. Who wouldn't be?  
He just stares at me as if searching for the answer in my face.   
I sigh angrily and pull away but he won't let me.   
"Bucky-" I begin to protest but he pulls me down on the bed so that I'm lying on my back. I feel my cheeks burn red at the realisation that my t-shirt has risen up to almost obscene levels.   
He keeps my pressed to the bed with his body.   
"Kathleen Deveraux," Bucky begins and I note that he used my real name. He was being serious. "I remember"  
My brow furrows and I tilt my head forward. What did he mean? He remembered? Everything? Of our past?  
He nods almost as if hearing my unspoken question.  
The corners of my mouth twitch upwards but Bucky speaks before I can.   
"I remember who I used to be, but I am not that man anymore. Too much has happened to me. I am not the man you loved"  
I take this in. I understand what he is telling me. I consider it momentarily.   
"James Buchanan Barnes. For some odd and unknown reason to me I have fallen in love with the winter soldier, this I find strange because you're an asshole,"   
He smirks slightly at me and I return it. I was all too aware of how close his lips were to mine.   
"I love you Bucky. Not only who you were, not only who you are. I love you"  
"I am bad for you, Deveraux" he warns me.   
I nod my head "you are dangerous, I would be a fool not to acknowledge that. However," I prop myself up on my elbows slightly, a move I immediately regret because my elbows are scraped. His mouth was merely a moment from mine. "I don't care"  
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
"I don't care" Katie almost whispered the words.   
I couldn't take it anymore, she was driving me insane. I grab her roughly by the waist and bring my mouth to hers, my lips urgent and seeking.   
She gasps slightly, surprised by my move and I swyise this opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth. It takes her only a second before she responds to the kiss, our mouths moving in time.   
Katie's hands are in my hair now and she tugs slightly at the roots, making a low pleasurable growl emerge from my lips.   
I was in pain. The cuts lacerating my body were sore, my muscles ached and no doubt she felt the same too but we couldn't stop.   
The need for this, for more, was so much stronger than any physical discomfort.   
I run my right hand down her side and stop at her thigh, squeezing it gently. I was making sure the left arm stayed on one side of her head, I couldn't trust what might happen if the metal arm got involved. I didn't want to hurt her.   
I push her shirt up and she pulls it over her head. She lies in front of me for a moment as I take her in, she was bruised and cut and that broke my heart but I bit my tongue to stop a moan emerging at the sight of her in a black lacey bra and underwear.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
He looked at me for a moment and I blushed fiercely. I don't know why, it wasn't like this was the first time Bucky and I had done it. I suppose that was 70 years ago though…  
I reach for him and bring one hand to the nape of his neck to pull him closer to me.   
He brings his lips to my collar bone and an involuntary shiver went through me. Bucky notices and grins against my neck.   
I push him away from me, leaving him momentarily confused. Then I push him backwards so that he is now lying down, facing me.   
I run a hand through his dark brown hair, that had grown quite long, as I straddle him.   
Buckys hands go behind me to the clasp of my bra. He fiddles with it and it comes undone. It's not long before both of our remaining items of clothing are tossed aside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KATHLEEN FIGHTS BACK! I feel like a proud parent...  
> -  
> hope you enjoyed this chapter! The next one is a work in progress, writer's block and all...  
> _  
> thank you for reading!


	21. Get In The Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that didn't go as it should have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ew, sorry about the start of this. I don't do sappy very well. Just keep reading it, it gets better, I promise.

Sunlight flooded the room illuminating Bucky's face with a watery yellow glow. His hair falls in his face. He looked so peaceful and ever so beautiful. I gaze at him. I was happy.   
He had slept well after last night. No nightmares. Probably because he and I were too tired after…Still, I worried about him.  
I remember last night's events, no not those events, the one in which he almost killed me, again. He was unstable, erratic. Was I really safe with him? Even as that thought entered my mind I answered it. I had and always would feel safe with Bucky. It was instinctual.  
"I can feel you watching me" Bucky says with shut eyes.   
"super soldier skills?"   
He nods and his eyes flutter open. He looks at me and tilts his head. "hi"  
"hey" I reply with a faint smile dancing on my lips.   
He tugs my arm, pulling me closer to his side. I lay my head on his muscled chest.   
"we need to leave soon" Bucky sighed.   
"'one more minute" I close my eyes, drinking in the moment.   
-  
I wasn't a fool. There would be problems between Bucky and I. Him remembering who he was wasn't the end of all our issues but somehow, I was feeling good. Very good.   
I lean my head on Buckys shoulder as he drives the Chevy.   
"it's probably a good idea to switch cars again" I advise him.   
He nods his head and says "in the next hour, I'll pull over"  
"I'm hungry" I complain  
"again?" he looks at me amused.   
"that's the thing about people, they need to be fed at least once a day"   
"you haven't eaten today?"  
"neither of us have. Bucky you need to start paying more attention" I sigh.   
-  
I pull out the roll of cash from my bag and count how much is left. $8017.   
I hand the lady behind the counter $30 and pick up the shopping bag of food.   
I turn and walk out of the shop, knowing that Bucky wasnt far behind.   
"did you buy the store while you were at it?" he remarks on the size of the bag.   
"it's in case I get hungry again. This way," I wave the massive bag in front of his face "we won't have to pull over again for a while"  
"knowing you, the food will last an hour, tops" he teases me with his signature smirk plastering his face.   
I scoff and push his shoulder, not as if this had any effect on him anyway as he stands unmoved by my attempt at knocking him off balance.   
"you're weak" he laughs and wraps an arm around my waist and pulling me in to look into his eyes.   
"I really am" I say before pressing my lips to his  
-  
DARCY LEWIS' POV  
Darcy Lewis had been calling her friend Kathleen Deveraux for what seems like forever now.   
It had become a pattern in which she called 3 times every hour in a day. To, may she add, no avail. Was she ignoring her? Maybe. Was she in trouble? Hopefully not.   
"pick up, pick up" she chanted into the ringing phone but she is met with a voice mail she has become all to famIliar with over the past weeks.   
"umm, wait, do I speak now?" came Kathleen's voice then an impatient Tony Stark mumbling something before finally Kathleen says "yes, well, hello, I'm Kathleen Deveraux, this is my phone you're ringing. Ehhh, so leave a message" her voice goes up at the end as if it is a question.   
"oh my God" Darcy mumbles in annoyance before a mischievous smile springs onto her face.   
"umm, Kathleen," Darcy says pretending to sound nervous "something has happened, it's not good. I need you here. Please" her voice hitches satisfyingly realistically at the end.   
Darcy Lewis hangs up the phone and smiles, oh she really was evil.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
"I have to go" I say storming out of the shopping centre and towards the car.   
"hey" Bucky calls after me and grabs my arm lightly.   
"it's Darcy" I gestured at my phone in my hand "she needs me"  
I had met Darcy shortly after meeting Thor. She had been in The Avengers tower when Jane was there. She had come to see me and Steve, the great oddities from the wartime.   
Safe to say she was disappointed with the lack of alien qualities she expected us to have.   
I liked her immediately. She was the 'say it how it is' kind of girl and I liked that. We were close. And she needed my help. I'd been ignoring her messages for too long.   
I turn back around and head for the Chevy. When I look back, Bucky has not moved. I tilt my head and gesture for him to come quickly. He looked furious.   
Before I know it he is in front if me, grabbing my left wrist, the phone in my left hand.   
"You. Have. Had. Your. Phone. All. This. Time." he seethes through gritted teeth.   
"yes-wh-"  
"I will tell you why. Hydra have been fucking tracking your phone"   
Bucky grabs it from my hand and smashes it against the pavement.   
My hands go to my mouth. Oh shit. "Bucky I am so sorry" I apologise   
"I had been wondering how they kept finding us!" Bucky shouts.   
"I didnt mean to, oh my God" I curse my self for being such a fuck up.   
"how stupid do you have to be to fuck up like that?" Buckys voice drips with venom at every word.   
I know I'd messed up, I was sorry, but did he really have to be so cruel about it? So hurtful?  
"listen, you're not the only one born in the 1920's! I still don't fully understand the whole technology thing. I'm sorry, alright? But don't be mean about it"  
"get in the car" he orders me, ignoring everything I just told him.   
"are you going to take me to Darcy?"   
"no"  
"then I'm not getting in the car" I step away from him defiantly.   
"get in the car" he says threateningly. I didn't recognise him now, I saw only the assassin he was trained to be.   
"I'm going" I say.   
He grips me by my upper arm with his cold metal arm at those words.   
"Let. Go" I struggle against him. When was I ever going to learn that I couldn't break free of his normal grip, let alone the metal grip.   
I pull back and he pulls me forward rather violently. I am thrust forward and my back is slammed into a the Chevy.   
"you are not leaving" he says through gritted teeth. He shoves me in through the drivers door and slides me over on the seat. He gets in afterwards. Still gripping my arm tightly.   
I turn my face to him. He refuses to look at me and so I say with all the spite I can muster "I hate you".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so embarrassed by writing sappy stuff that I basically threw Bucky and Kathleen into the shits again because it's easier to write them that way...I'm a horrible person...  
> yes but Darcy Lewis is about to really enter the storyline so I hope you're as excited as I am :)  
> -  
> thank you for the kudos and the lovely comments :) I hope you will all keep reading to the bitter end!


	22. Normal Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I would've walked out a long time ago...

BUCKYS POV  
We sat there in silence. The tension was unbearable. The guilt weighing on my shoulders was far worse.   
I had reacted the way I had been reacting for over 50 years, impulsively.   
I had been furious at her for putting herself in danger. I didn't care that I had also been put in danger. I was mad at her for being so careless about her life.   
My words, my actions had all been soul crushingly regrettable. But I couldn't allow her to leave to find this Darcy person. What if it was a trap?  
I consider apologising but something stops me. Pride? No. Anger? No. The winter soldier in me? Perhaps.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
So much for cutting the tension with a knife, you would need a freakin chainsaw just to make a dent in the tension that lies between us.   
How dare he. How freakin dare he. If he really thought I was about to sit here like a good dog then he had another thing coming. I was going to see Darcy. And that. Was. Final.   
-  
We had pulled over at another dingy motel. I throw my bags on the bed and take off my jacket. My face was unmoving. I didn't know how Bucky looked as I refused to even glance at him.   
I kept asking myself if I was over reacting but everytime I relay today's earlier event back in my head I come up with a resounding "I am not over reacting". Bucky can't just get violent with me. That is not right. Had this been a normal relationship I would have walked out on him a long time ago. But this wasn't a normal relationship.  
-  
I could hear the heavy unsettled breaths from Bucky as I lay awake beside him. He was having another nightmare. Now, was my opportunity.   
I slide out of the bed and place my feet lightly on the floor. I needed to be stealthy and stealthy was never one of my strong points.   
I keep praying that I won't make noise, cringing every time a floorboard creaks. Bucky was less likely to wake up when in the midst of his nightmares but I didn't want to chance it.   
I scribble a note and leave it on the table beside his bed. I look at him and I feel like the edges of my heart are frayed. He was sweating in fear. The nightmare was slowly getting more and more unbearable. I want to wake him but instead I grab my bag.   
I don't know how it happened. One moment I was headed towards the door and the next I was on the floor. I tripped on something in the dark. I let the crash of my fall echoe through the room.   
I lay on the ground for a moment. I hold my breath so I can hear Bucky's. The pattern was still irregular. I hadn't woken him.   
I release the air I had been holding back. Relieved.   
After getting back on my feet and retrieving my bag I left the motel room.   
I was met with cold air. What state where we in again? I couldn't remember. I needed to get to an airport. I glance back at the door, reconsidering my choice.   
It would be so easy to walk back inside, crawl back into bed with Bucky and have him apologise in the morning. But what then? Was I to be his prisoner for the rest of our lives? Was I to run forever? I loved Bucky Barnes. I loved him more than I valued my own life. But I couldn't live like this forever. His mood swings. His irrational behaviour. His violence.   
I face back out to the world and walk away from Bucky.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
"I'm fine. I will be fine. Don't worry about me. I have to go. I need to go. Don't come after me, I don't want you to. I love you. You were all I wanted, Bucky Barnes, but not like this."  
The note wasn't signed off on but who else would it be from?   
An insurmountable surge of sadness washes through me at first. She'd left me. She ran from me.   
And then, an emotion I always seemed to come back round to, anger.   
How dare she? She was about to get herself killed. Hydra would find her and use her against me. Had Katie no idea what was going on? Did she not think?  
I only knew one thing. I would find her. And when I did. God help her.   
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
I'd never flown before. What even was a terminal? What where those announcements about? There's too many numbers. There's too many signs. There's too many people. I am lost. I need help.   
"uh, hi" I walk over to a desk with a young man behind it.   
"yes, how may I help you?" he smiles brightly.   
"umm…I…the, em…" I find myself lost for the right words. Was I just supposed to say "hi, I'm 70 years old and back in my day there were no airports like this"  
I needn't have worried though as the man waves a hand as if dismissing any confusion.   
"first time flying? No idea what's happening?" he smiles.   
I smile at him in relief and nod quickly.   
"just follow my lead" he grins rather handsomely at me as he stands up, dear Lord he was tall, and leads me into the jungle that is an airport.   
-  
"and I just walk down there?" I ask nervously staring at the long corridor ahead of me. People filter around me and down the corridor.   
"and you just walk down there" Jared, I found out what his name was, smiles again, for the billionth time. This guy smiles a lot.   
"what…what's down there?"  
He tilts his head and his ash blonde hair falls into his face slightly. "the aeroplane" he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.   
"ah…I see" I stare at the corridor scared to venture down it "do people often die on planes?"  
"yes, all the time. Bye" he waves and I look at him my eyes wide with fear.   
"a joke" he explains  
"you shouldn't be working in an airport with that sense of humour"  
"then you better leave now before I start making bomb jokes" he grins, again.   
"bye Jared" I say and begin to walk warily down the corridor.   
I suddenly feel a hand grab my wrist and tug me backwards. I slam into Jared's chest and his eyes are closed. His face was getting closer to mine.   
What was happening? Was he? Oh my god.   
I push against him and scream "no"  
"was that not where this was going?" he grins  
"no! God, no!" I throw my hands on the air and practically run down the corridor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise about how long it took me to write this! I have exams and I've been juggling studying, Christmas tree decorating, buying Taylor Swift concert tickets and writing. It's a little difficult but my exams end tomorrow and I've bought my concert tickets and my tree is up and I'm so ready to write the next couple of chapters!! Because I only have the idea for the next two chapters beyond that it's a guessing game as to what I will right...  
> -  
> this note is too long so I'll wrap it up now.   
> -  
> THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVELY COMMENTS, LEAVING KUDOS AND JUST READING THIS MESS I LIKE TO CALL A STORY.   
> -


	23. A Long Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "what a great idea. Let's send the winter soldier to therapy"

The large tree decorated with red baubles and yellow lights that flash slowly remind me what time of year it is. Christmas? Already?  
Speaking of which, what date was it today? I couldn't recall the last time I knew the date or even the time.   
"15:44 13th of December" I read on a large digital clock outside the airport. I'd survived my first flight. Now where on earth was Darcy?   
I couldn't call her and tell her I was here or ask where her house was because someone smashed my phone…no, I wouldn't think of him.   
I curse myself mentally for not thinking about this before.   
"knew it" a familiar mound of brunette curls swing in front of me.   
"Darcy Lewis? How the hell?" I smile at her and she hugs me instantly.   
"I just kind of showed up at the airport for a while now just in case you walked out"   
"you posses some stalker-esque qualities" I smile at my friend.   
-  
"and that's where you've been this entire time? Sexing it up with the winter soldier?"   
I hit Darcy on the shoulder lightly. "don't say that. And didn't you have some huge important problem you needed me to help you with?" I raise an eyebrow at her.   
Darcy laughs nervously "oh yeah, that. Would you totally kill me if I said I was lying?"  
"what?!" I snap  
"I was worried you were mad at me and ignoring me or that you were dead so I needed to give you some incentive to come find me"  
"I fought with Bucky. I left Bucky. For you. And you don't even have a problem" I rise out of my seat slowly as if I was some kind of snake rearing up to attack.   
"maybe?" she says quietly, sinking into her chair "but I mean I kind of helped. Hydra were tracking your phone. Because of me, Bucky smashed it. And and and you saw something in Bucky that was there the whole time and that's why you left. It would have reared its ugly head whether I tricked you or not"  
I glare at her knowing she's completely right. Why did she have to be right?  
I lower myself back onto her red leather couch.   
"do you think- I mean do you think Bucky will come after you?" Darcy tilts her head and frowns slightly.   
"maybe" I shrug "he doesn't know where you live. God help me if he finds me. He'll kill me if Hydra hasn't already done the job by then" I pinch the bridge if my nose. I needed sleep. I was too tired to think.   
"it sounds like Bucky Barnes has anger management issues"   
I laugh "yeah, you think?"   
"it may be a wise idea for him to invest in a psychologist"  
"yes, what a great idea. Let's send the winter soldier to therapy" I chuckle sarcastically.   
"I'm here, you know?" Darcy puts her hand on my arm. "stay with me forever if you like. You're safe here"  
I look up to her gratefully. "careful, I may take you up on that offer"  
-  
It had been a week since I arrived at Darcy's. A week of crappy take-away food and even crappier reality tv. It had been a quiet recovery week. I felt like I was 16 and going through my first break up.  
Three knocks sounded on the door. My muscles tighten. It had been this way all week. Every time someone came to the door I would think it was Bucky. Even when the knocks where light or in a rhythm, something Bucky would never do. In reality Bucky probably wouldn't even knock, he'd break down the door or jump through a window.   
"got it" Darcy says swinging out of her bedroom and to the door.   
I hear a squeal and I'm ready to run but then Darcy enters. She is smiling and her arm is around a very tall blond guy. Oh no way. That is weird.   
"Kathleen, this is-"  
"Jared" I finish her sentence, remembering the guy in the airport who helped me find my way and then tried to kiss me.   
He grins at me. Of course he did. Could that boy do anything other than smile?   
"glad to see you remember me, Katie" he winks and guess what? He grins.   
Did he just call me Katie? I can't help but wrinkle my nose in disgust. He had no right to that nickname.   
Darcy looks at me in a manner of 'what the eff' at my disgusted expression.   
"Kathleen. Jared is my friend. He just got off work for the Christmas holidays, be nice"  
I try to smile but only succeed in showing my teeth but Jared smiles, elated, irregardless of my obvious distaste for him.   
Oh god, this was going to be a LONG Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG! My apologies! Writers block was 90! This is a very short chapter, so sorry but more will be coming soon! And no Bucky :( he'll be back very soon!  
> -  
> CANT BELIEVE THAT PEOPLE ARE STILL READING! Love you all, you're amazing!


	24. Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas isn't the same without a little dram .

"you have a nice face" Jared announces as we sit around the television eating pizza.   
I turn my head around to him slowly.   
"delicate features, good cheekbones" he continues  
"trust me, Jared, you don't want to hit on her" Darcy laughs from her seat beside him.   
"why not?" he winks at me as he grins. My face remains unimpressed.   
"because if her ex boyfriend finds out you even looked at her, he will remove your limbs from your body" Darcy explains.   
Something inside me drops at the words "ex boyfriend".  
Jared smiles ridiculously at me "I'll take my chances"  
I scoff and turn back to the tv. If only he knew about my ex assassin ex boyfriend. He'd probably jump out the window just to get away from me. He had no idea I was bad news.   
-  
"does he have to be here constantly!" I whisper through gritted teeth.   
It was the third day that Jared showed up at Darcy's and I just needed a break.   
"he's my friend aswell Kathleen and you might find him more tolerable if you tried being a little nicer"  
"I am nice!" I say defensively "just not to people who sexually harass me in airports!"  
"he tried to kiss you! That is not sexual harassment, it's kind of cute!"  
I make a face at Darcy. She was right. She was always bloody right. Even if cute wasn't a word I would use to describe Jared.   
"ok, baby steps, today why don't you just say hi to Jared and smile at him once"  
I scrunch up my nose and say childishly "fine. Whatever. Ugh"  
Darcy beams at me and runs into the living room.   
Just smile. I can do that. Say hi. Easy.   
I walk into the living room and immediately see the back of Jared's stupid head. He hears me enter though and it's not long before I'm met with his face. I breathe in, preparing myself.   
"hey, Katie" he grins.   
Oh. My. God. Did he just call me Katie again?   
"hi" I nod curtly and force the smallest of smiles.   
Jared just seems to grin even more at the fact I acknowledged him.   
"so, why don't we all get to know each other a bit better" Darcy claps her hands.   
I stare at her blankly. This was a bad idea for two reasons. I might just rip Jared's limbs off myself by the end of this or I would let something slip about the fact I wasn't born in this era.   
"I'll go first" Jared says smiling. Of course he was fucking smiling. "my names Jared"  
No fucking shit.   
"I like motorbikes"  
Oh…so do I. Except I just like riding them, I know nothing about them.   
"I studied science at college but somehow ended up working in an airport"  
I studied science too…  
"I don't believe they actually landed on the moon"  
"hey!" I pipe in "they did!"  
"that's your opinion" he grins.   
"no, it's fact"  
"explain the weird shadows"  
"it's the moon! Not earth, the shadows are going to be different!"  
"our first lovers quarrel, how romantic" he winks. I aim a pillow at his head but he just catches it and grins.  
"your turn"   
"I don't know. What do you want me to say?" I ask exasperated.   
"that you're not actually born in the 21st century" Jared smiles.   
I look to Darcy. Did she tell him? She shakes her head at me. I look back to him. Fear enveloping my stomach. Was he with Hydra? How did he know?  
"I put two and two together" he smiles "Darcy doesnt have too many friends. The friends she does have are a little abnormal"   
Was he referring to Jane and thor? And Steve? And the rest of the avenger? Who she befriended in the avengers tower.   
"I kind of spilled the beans I was friends with captain america…" Darcy bites her lip.   
"she also said she became friends with captain Americas closest friend who also suffered the same fate as him for many years. I kind of just guessed that you were that mysterious friend"  
I glare at him "you can't tell-"  
"your secret is safe with me" he doesn't smile this time. He was being serious.  
Then I utter two words I never thought I'd direct at Jared "thank you"   
-  
From then on Jared became more tolerable. As much as it pains me to say this, I didn't mind Jared's company. Sometimes, I even enjoyed it.   
I guess I had been a little bit harsh on him.   
He still smiled way too much but he was, I guess, a nice person.   
"Is it totally wrong that I still find you highly attractive even though you're older than my grandmother?" Jared bites his lip as he holds back his smirk.   
I hit his leg with my foot from the other side of the couch. "I'm technically 70 but mentally I haven't lived 70 fucking years"   
"Oh, you seem desperate to prove to me you're not some kind of cougar" he shuffles closer to me and winks.   
"To be a cougar I need to show some kind of interest in you. Trust me, I'm not interested" I roll my eyes but I was amused by him.   
Suddenly the door bursts open and Darcy stumbles in with a mountain of bags under each arm. "Neither one of you could help me with the Christmas shopping?" She says in annoyance as she drops the bags full of a variety of food onto the floor.   
"I can't leave the house. A whole cult organisation with a pretty price on my head? Ringing any bells?" I raise an eyebrow at her.   
She looks to Jared then "your excuse?"  
"I needed to use the opportunity while you were out of the house to make Katie fall deeply in love with me" he states matter of factly.   
Darcy rolls her eyes in unision with me. "Jared. Get your ass over here and help me with these bags"  
-  
"You have never cooked before?" Jared raises his eyebrows and looks from me to the turkey.   
I shake my head "I've cooked. Just not very well. The whole domestic goddess thing never took a liking toward me and vice versa"   
"Luckily for you, i was brought up right" he says and begins to prepare the turkey.   
"BAM! No, don't say it, I know, I look hot" darcy jumps into to the sitting room with a very large green Christmas jumper on.   
"Oh wow, festive" my eyes widen and I bite my tongue to stop myself from laughing.   
"Well, lucky for you" darcy smirks "I bought you one too. Its on your bed. Go put it on"  
"Oh god. Really Dar-"  
"Aah-aah-ah" Darcy silences me and I walk to my room to put on my ridiculous jumper.   
It was Christmas day. Christmas day. I loved Christmas but this one felt wrong. For the past Christmases I'd spent in this era I believed Bucky to be dead and now knowing he was alive it, well, it killed me that I couldn't spend it with him. I wonder if he even knew it was Christmas. He never seemed to care about those kind of things now…  
I take off my hoodie so that I'm in only my navy tank top and faded blue jeans and pick up the horrendous jumper.   
A loud crash sounds from the kitchen and I drop the jumper and freeze and then relax again. Jared had probably broken something. I was too paranoid. I needed to calm down.   
The door clicks shut behind me and I don't even need to turn around because before I know it, strong hands, one colder than the other, had grabbed my shoulders and spun me around.   
"Bucky" I breathe in fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You likey? This was a bit of a filler chapter ... But yay bucky is back! How will he react to Jared's flirtations with Kathleen and the fact that Jared calls Kathleen by Bucky's nickname for her. Tensions will run high. Tables will be smashed. See you next time on But Not Like This  
> Yeah that was a bit weird. That sounded like the ending to EastEnders or something....  
> -  
> Thank you for reading and don't forget to leave kudos if you think I deserve it xx


	25. I Stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You'd kill anyone. Even me"  
> Bucky grabs my arm suddenly and stands up. He looks down at me as he holds my arm to his chest.  
> Solemnly he says "I would never kill you"  
> "I bet you say that to all the girls" I raise an eyebrow at him.

Bucky pushes me backwards so that I'm pressed to the wall and he holds me there. He had his lower arm pressed to my neck and the other metal arm pressed to the wall beside my head. He wasn't hurting me but his grip was firm.   
"Let me go" I warn him   
He stares coldly back at me. He felt betrayed I could sense it but he needed to understand that so did I.   
"You left" he growls. His face merely a breath from mine.   
"Wrong." I challenge him and my face hardens "I ran from you" I enunciate every syllable to deliver impact. I was speaking to hurt him. I had a way of being cruel even when I didn't mean to. His eyes flicker to the ground. My words had hit home. When he looks back to me, his expression is uncertain. He releases me and backs away. I stand up straight and glare at him.   
"You break into my friends home. You threaten me. Two examples of why I ran in the first place, Bucky" I say his name like its an insult, my coldness startling even me.   
Bucky wasn't used to this side of me. He was used to the over emotional girl who always tried to cheer him up.  
His face changes so quickly that I don't have any time to react.   
Bucky slams his fist into the desk by the door. It splinters under the force of his metal arm.   
Oh, but he wasn't done there. The bed was overturned next. Then the wardrobe was knocked over. The wall suffered a severe beating too.   
All the while I stay where I am, flinching slightly at the loud noises of things being broken but I do not run or freak out. I stay.   
Bucky sits down on the floor breathing heavily. His hair covers his face. I stand still.   
After what seemed like an eternity he runs his hands through his dark hair, pushing it back and looks up at me.   
"Nothing can stay the same" he says with his brow furrowed. I keep my expression impassive but I wonder all the same as to what he means by that.   
"Everyone goes. Leaves. Runs. Whatever you want to call it. Steve. You. Bosses. Hydra rats. My next kill. All leave. Except the difference is that the bosses, the agents, the victim, they come and go and change. But you. And steve. You stay the same. But you always go. Always"  
He speaks to me like he is a child. A very scared, lost child. It wasn't easy to see him like this, let alone pretend I didn't care.   
"Why can't I be right?" He looks to me as if I hold the answers. As if I'm going to make him ok.   
I break his gaze and stare at the carpet. As a result, showing that I was listening to what he was saying but I didn't care anymore.   
When I look back to him, his eyes are glassy. It felt like my stomach had fallen through me at the sight of him.   
I had seen him like this once before. When he had come home after being held captive by Johann Shmidt. But this time it was far worse. Bucky's brain was beyond repair and there was nothing I could do. There was nothing anyone could do.   
Before I know it I'm kneeling in front of him. I take both his hands. He flinches when I take his metal hand but relaxes when I shoot him a warning look not to kill me.   
He is looking down as if he is ashamed to meet my gaze.   
"Bucky, look at me" I say softly but he continues to stare at the ground.   
I drop one of his hands and place my now free hand onto his cheek and lightly move his head so he is forced to meet my gaze.   
"I'm sorry, Katie. I'm sorry for being wrong" he says and gestures towards his head.   
"Hey" I say sternly and my grip on him tightens. "You are not wrong Bucky. You have been through hell. You have been messed up. But you are not wrong"  
A boot enters my vision and before I know it Bucky has been kicked in the back of the head.   
"Oh my-JARED" I screech   
"Wait. What's happen- oh Jared. You didn't" Darcy peaks her head through the door, frowning at the sight of a very angry Bucky.   
"Bucky. Wait" I plead with him.   
I can see Bucky seething. He looked as if he was preparing himself to kill Jared.   
I turn to Jared quickly. "What the fuck was that!" I push his chest and he stumbles slighlty.   
"I was helping you! That mad man broke into the house, knocked me out and came in here and oh my god, did this to the room"   
For once jared wasn't smiling.   
"Remember that crazy ex boyfriend Darcy was talking about? How he'd remove your limbs if you so much as looked at me? Well, you just kicked him in the head"   
"He hit me first" Jared whines  
"Hold on a second" Bucky says and I hear the anger and hatred in his voice. I turn to look at him and he continues "ex boyfriend? And has he been looking at you?" He growls.   
My eyes widen slightly "ehh well let's just-i-well, emm. You're not my ex boyfriend, you can be my boyfriend if you want" those words felt so odd in my mouth. Boyfriend. That label felt unatural on the winter soldier.   
"As for the looking part. We don't need to discuss that when you have a gun in you back pocket"   
Bucky cracks his neck and closes his eyes. He was trying his hardest to contain himself for me.  
"I'm going to kill him" was all Bucky said and before I even had time to process that sentence, Bucky's hands were on Jared's throat.   
-Jared opens his bruised jaw and shuts it. Bucky glares at him from the other side of the room. As was to be expected, bucky tried to remove Jared's limbs. However, I managed to threaten him away from actually going through with the plan.   
I was furious at Bucky again. He had no idea how to handle situations.   
"Could you please take a break from the angry glare fest and hold still" I say.   
Bucky's shirt lay on the table and I was cleaning out bite marks, yes bite marks, left by Jared. Surprisingly, the boy knew how to fight and got a few good hits in there. But he was no winter soldier.   
"You should have let me kill him" Bucky's voice rises and I drop the cloth I was using on the table and grab Bucky's jaw to make him look at me.   
His expression hardens at my action but I don't remove my hand.   
"That guy you tried to just kill. He's my friend. You don't get to hurt my friends. Understood? Now. Stay still" I growl.   
He rips his jaw from my grip and i let him.   
"You need to deal with your anger in a way that doesn't involve killing people" I resume cleaning his wounds. "You get angry over the smallest of things. I fear the day you experience something that is truly enraging. You'd kill anyone. Even me"  
Bucky grabs my arm suddenly and stands up. He looks down at me as he holds my arm to his chest.   
Solemnly he says "I would never kill you."   
"I bet you say that to all the girls" I raise an eyebrow at him and smirk. He returns it and sits down again.   
-  
The tension had become less…murderous. As jared sits on one side of me and Darcy on the other, bucky sits in a seperate chair.   
"Can we just agree that no one attacks anyone anymore?" I sigh  
"Yes," bucky says "as long as he stays away from you"  
"You do not own me Bucky" I say firmly.   
Jared glares at Bucky and leans back on the sofa. His arm snaking its way behind me.   
Bucky starts and I raise my hands in warning at him.   
"Jared. Don't provoke him and Bucky, you don't hurt people when they provoke you"  
"Fine" Bucky says through a clenched jaw.   
"Look Jared's not a bad guy," Darcy says "even when Kathleen first met him she hated him. It took her some time to understand him but now she does"  
"Exactly" I say to bucky "I really thought he was annoying when I first met him because he was always smiling and it weirded me out and-"  
"So it had nothing to do with the fact that I kissed you when we first met?" Jared says with a smirk at bucky.   
"Seriously!" I shout at Jared but he is taken out of view by a metal arm.   
Here we go again.   
-  
"Are you pissed off" Bucky asks me worriedly as I lay in bed with my back to him.   
"Why would I be pissed off Bucky?" I hiss  
"I'm trying! I didn't kill him! That is progress in my books"  
"No, bucky. Just no. Normal people don't even think of killing people when they get mad. That is not progress" I was facing him now.   
His brow furrows. "I'm not normal Katie"  
Guilt washes over me and I put a palm to my forehead. "No. No you're not"  
"Do you often wish I was?" His voice was quiet. Almost like he was far away. He was scared to hear my answer.   
"You were never normal Bucky. That's why I chose you"  
A warm hand finds its way to my waist and all my anger fades. I move closer to Bucky.   
"I love you" he whispers in my ear.   
"Feelings mutual" I kiss him.   
"Merry Christmas, doll" he says silently as he falls asleep.  
I smile at the fact that he not only remembered it was Christmas but at his use of the old nickname he used to call me by.   
"Merry Christmas, Bucky"   
"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS! I HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A WONDERFUL HOLIDAY 


	26. Tony Won't Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony won't mind...or will he?

"I can pay for all of this" I apologize profusely to Darcy who stares at her living room, full with splintered furniture, broken glass and random pieces of sponge that fell from above.   
Bucky had had another nightmare hence the disaster that was now Darcy's living room.  
Bucky stands in the middle of the clutter breathing heavily. I make my way through the mess to him.   
"Bucky?" I place a hand in the middle of his chest. His head snaps up and he glares at me but then his expression softens.   
He scans the damage in the room and cringes slightly. "Did I?" He asks.   
"Don't worry about it" I give him a small smile "do you remember that brown paper bag I kept my money in?"  
He nods.   
"Did you bring it with you Buck? When you cane after me? I left it in the motel room"  
He shakes his head.   
I sigh. "OK. Ok. Well we need to go out and find a cash machine." I turn to Darcy "I have a credit card from Tony. I will take you furniture shopping and replace all of this"   
"Sorry" Bucky adds on.   
Darcy, who has been unusually quiet this whole time, finally speaks "it was all crappy furniture anyway. Now I get new stuff" she shrugs and exits the room.   
I turn back around to Bucky and laugh slightly. I don't know why.   
-  
If I thought I was leaving the apartment without an escort, I was wrong. Bucky insisted on bringing me to the ATM in case, you know, I got murdered.   
"$5000? That's a lot." Bucky comments from behind me as I slip the money into my purse.   
"Tony won't mind. Anyway, I want to buy Darcy nice furniture and not just any old sh-" I stop suddenly at the sight of a very tall, smiling blonde heading this way.   
"What?" Bucky notices my unusual behavior.   
"Coffee!" I shout and point at a café behind us. "I want coffee"  
Bucky shrugs his shoulders "ok, let's go"  
"No" I shake my head "no, I don't want to wait in line. I'm going to look in the ehh, the…well the fine looking haberdashery over there" I frown at the fact that a haberdashery was the only store that came to my mind. Couldn't have said book store? Of course not, I have to be the least inconspicuous human being alive.   
Bucky looks at me as if to say "what are you up to?" but he goes into the café anyway.   
"Hey! Katie!" A cheery voice calls for me.   
I power walk over to a small alley beside the haberdashery and the voice follows.   
"The actual fuck Jared!" I whisper shout at him.   
"What?" He smiles a little less certainly.   
"Did you happen to notice my metal armed boyfriend, that kind of wants to murder you, was with me?"  
"Oh come on. He wouldn't murder me in public." He laughs but I just stare blankly at him. He really didn't know Bucky.   
"There's a reason you were told to stay away from Darcy's. We will be leaving soon and then you can go back but right now, it just isn't safe" I sigh   
"Why do you stay with him?" All humour in Jared's face is gone.   
"Excuse me?"   
"Why do you stay with a man who is violent, aggressive, volatile, overbearing and fucked up?" Jared says each word with venemous impact.  
"Don't. You. Dare. Ever call him fucked up. You don't know him. You don't understand him. I don't expect you to but don't look at me like I'm some weak whore. Understand that Jared. I am not weak. He is not abusive. You don't know half of what has happened to him. What has happened to me."  
A moment of silence hangs in the air between us.   
"You know," Jared says "its a shame that I have to do this to you. I really did like you"  
I frown in confusement but my confusion subsides when he pushes me to a wall and wraps his hands around my throat.  
"You. Are. Fucking. Hydra." I spit.   
"You're a smart girl. Its really too bad it has to end like this"   
I feel his grip tighten on my throat. I hear gun shots echo around me but they seem distant as the air leaves my lungs. I lash out in an attempt to break free but nothing works.   
One question circles my addled brain as the oxygen to it is cut off. Was Bucky alright?   
The world fades black at the edges of my vision and I give up fighting. This was it. This was how it ended.   
No glorious shoot down under a hail of bullets. No fight to the death with only honour and fists. Not even any blood. Just a pair of hands wrapped tightly around my windpipe. Not even a fair fight. Just me and the man I thought was my friend in a side alley and the blood pumping through my ears is all I hear as the world fades out and silence envelopes me, taking me far away from the violence.   
-  
"WHAT THE ACTUAL REAL LIFE FUCK?" Tony screeches in an unusually high pitch for a man. For once his anger wasn't directed at me but at Bucky instead.   
I lay on a bed breathing heavily. Oh my god I loved air. I made a strange noise every time I breathed in or out, a side effect of nearly being choked to death.  
Bucky has my hand in his. He watches me carefully. He wasn't listening to Tony and Tony wasn't happy.   
"First! You take away Kathleen! Second! You put her in six foot deep of shit! AND THEN you get her killed!"  
"She's not dead" Bucky says firmly as he pushes a strand of hair from my face.   
"She might as well be! Because when I'm done with you, I will finish Jared's job for him!"  
Bucky shoots up off the bed and stands in front of Stark intimidatingly.   
"You will not lay finger on her" he says through gritted teeth "and do not speak that name"  
"Everyone needs to calm" I say in a voice that is not my own, another charming side effect of nearly being choked to death. "Bucky. He's not actually going to kill me"  
"I won't will I?" Tony says furiously "would you like to tell me why you needed to remove $15000 from the emergency card I gave you?"  
"Emergencies?" I smile hopefully.   
"No. You and you," he points to me and then Bucky "are going to sit quietly and listen to every minute of my rant about why you are both stupid and why I'm really awesome because I flew in and saved your asses from Hydra and about how smart I am for tracking your credit card here and how stupid you are for not thinking about that!"  
I sigh inwardly. This was going to be long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was it? Good or bad or eh? I don't actually know how I feel about this chapter....  
> -  
> Sorry about the spelling mistakes and/or granmer mistakes. I an just too tired to read through it again   
> -  
> Thank you so much for reading and leaving kudos, it is so much appreciated xx


	27. All He Had To Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All he had to do. Was stay.

It had taken me a while to piece together what had happened after I blacked out and almost died. What I have gathered from Tony's screeching was that he had been trying to find me ever since I left. He found out where I first withdrew money from his card and went to Washington to find me. By that time, however, Bucky and I were long gone. He had been waiting for me to withdraw money and using some very high tech gear that I didn't understand and one of his suits, he had managed to find me and Bucky after I withdrew another $5000.   
At which point Bucky was being shot at by about 10 different men in Hydra and I was being murdered in a side alley.   
"AND THAT IS WHY YOU ARE BOTH REALLY STUPID" Tony finally finishes. He breathes heavily and straightens his shirt.   
I sit up slowly. My throat was bruised and I felt like my windpipe was smaller.   
Bucky's brow furrows and his eyes fill with concern.   
"That's nice Tony," I basically wheeze "but Bucky and I have to go. Jared's tip off has probably spread pretty quickly through the Hydra network and more will be on their way"  
I try to stand up but Bucky stops me.   
"Not yet" he gives me a small smile but his eyes are troubled. "I need to talk to Stark"  
I frown and ask him why but he tells me not to worry and before I know it I'm left alone in the room with my thoughts. Thoughts that mainly went like "ow" or "my throat hurts".  
My throat really hurt though.   
-  
BUCKYS POV   
"That's the smartest thing I've heard you say today" Tony says.   
"I know you don't like me, Stark" I say  
"Damn right I don't"  
"But I love her. I really love her and I never meant for any of this to happen" I sigh and run both my hands through my hair "I have been living in some selfish daydream until now. I wanted her with me. I saw the danger of her staying with me but my need to have her near was stronger. And now. Look what has come of my selfishness. She almost died. If she had…"  
"I'd have killed you" Tony informs me casually. This being his third death threat today.   
"I've made the right decision finally"   
"You have. Can I take her home now?" Stark says impatiently.   
"I need-i need to tell her" I frown  
"Five minutes. Then you go and if you're still here-"  
"Yeah. I got it. You'll kill me"  
-  
KATHLEEN'S POV  
Bucky re-enters the room and I can feel his mood instantly. What was wrong?  
He walks toward where I'm sitting and takes a seat beside me.   
"You feeling OK?" He asks  
"Sore. I've been through worse" I smile but he remains grim and so my smile quickly fades.   
"Been through worse" Bucky repeats as if he is taking that in. "You know why you've been through worse?"  
I frown at him not liking where this is going.   
"Me. Its because of me"  
"Don't say that Bucky" I reach out to him but he just grabs my hand tightly.  
"I'm going now, Katie" Bucky says whilst examining my hand.   
"OK. Just let me get my stuff"   
"No. You're not coming with me"  
I scoff. Did he just say that?  
"Yes. Yes I am"  
"You're going to get yourself killed"  
"Listen, Bucky. If you think that you can just walk out that door and hand me back to Tony like I'm some kind of item you stole then you-"   
Bucky stands up and heads towards the door.   
"Don't you dare Bucky," I shout, a rather hard task with ny throat in its current condition. Tears fill my eyes now and I stand up. "Don't you leave me again Bucky. I survived every other time you left but if you go now. If you step out that door. You won't be saving me. You'll be killing me"  
Bucky freezes in the doorway. I needed him to turn around. I needed him to come back and say he was sorry and that he loved me. I needed him to stay. All he had to do was stay.   
He turns to face me and a small amount of hope appears in me.   
He looks torn. Unbelievably torn. Broken. Confused.   
"Just don't leave me alone again, Bucky. Don't go" tears spill down my cheeks as I shamelessly beg him to stay.   
He opens his mouth as if to say something but closes it again.   
It stays like that for a moment. He stands there. I stand here. Hoping he won't go. Hoping he loves me enough not to leave.   
"Katie," he finally speaks "I love you"   
I take a shaky breath inward. The way he said that. It sounded final. I shake my head as more tears spill onto my cheeks.  
No. He couldn't really be doing this to me. He couldn't really be leaving me alone again.   
"James Buchanan Barnes. I love you. But if you walk away from me I will let you go."   
He closes his eyes and breathes in. "You'll find someone someday, Katie. Someone who might actually treat you well. I'm not that man anymore Katie. I was. I used to be. I am not anymore. You deserve better. You deserve more"  
And with those words left hanging in the air he leaves the room. He leaves. He just walks away. He walks away from me. From us. From everything we had and everything we could have had and suddenly the pain in my throat is nothing compared to this new feeling of hurt that spreads through my body

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will probably post another chapter later tonight because this one is kind of short and sad...  
> -  
> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos xx


	28. Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Its been four days of emotionless suffering. Did that even make sense? Probably not. But nothing did make sense anymore. Not without him.

It was almost as if the walls were vibrating with the sound of the ridiculously loud music filling the room. Clusters of people in sparkly cocktail dresses and neat suits chat and laugh on the dance floor and in different corners.   
Tony's New Year's Eve party. Speaking of the man himself he was being loud and drunk on the other side of the room, Pepper wrapped under his arm as she tries to take his glass of wine from him.   
The feeling in the room was one of excitement and fun. How was I feeling? I didn't really know. I felt like I wasn't here. I felt distant. Or maybe it was just that I had too many emotions and I'm just confused. I felt wrong.   
I did know one thing for certain though. I didn't want to be at this party, ringing in the New Year with a bunch of strangers. Tony had made me come. These days I didn't really have any fight in me, so I didn't really protest.   
"Kathleen" the soft voice of Bruce Banner sounds from behind me.   
I turn around slowly and smile rather sadly at him. "Bruce" I say Heartbreak. the party?" He says knowing my response already.   
"I want to go to bed"   
"I know how you feel. Must the music be so deafening?" He smiles almost nervously.   
"It would be one thing if it was good music but this. This is, to put it rather tactlessly, shit"   
Bruce laughs slightly which makes me smile. A proper smile, not a weak half hearted smile.   
I had found it a rather difficult and tiresome task to interact with people as if I was OK since Bucky…anyway, with Bruce it came a bit easier.   
"How are you?" His brow furrows in concern.   
"You know, you are the first person to ask me that since I came back. To answer your question, I'm…I'm not myself" I sigh and chew my lip.   
I feel a hand lightly place itself on my shoulder and Bruce says nothing. And that is okay. In a way that's all I needed. There were no words that could console me now. All i needed was to know someone was there.   
"KATHLEEN" Tony cheers my name and stumbles over to me. Pepper attempts to pull him away but he ignores her.   
"What?" I snap. I surprise myself with my tone. It had been days since I'd used any kind of emotion in my voice.   
"Come and party with everyone else. You're being a bit of a downer" he slurs his words.   
"Oh, really? I apologize for not being the life of a party I didn't even want to attend in the first place"  
"Its been 3 days! So you're boyfriend left you! Big deal, let's move on" he laughs in between each word.   
I face Tony fully and stand up straight. I look him in the eye for a moment and then walk away.   
I was going to bed. That was it. I was done.   
-  
I sit silently as I eat my breakfast the next morning. Pepper had left earlier and so now it was me and Tony left in the house.   
"I'm sorry about what I said last night. I should not have said that in front of all those people" Tony says.   
I shove a massive spoon of Coco Pops into my mouth and refuse to look at him.   
"But still," Tony says and I raise my eyes to look at him "I was still right in what I said"  
I put my spoon into my bowl slowly. "Excuse me?" I say calmly  
"I think its time to get over Bucky Barnes, Kathleen. He died 70 years ago. In a way so did you. Its time you moved on, both of you aren't the same people you once where."   
I slam my fist onto the table. Tony jumps in surprise at the unusual action.   
"Tony, you speak of matters you know nothing about. If it was that easy for me to just move on do you believe I wouldn't have done it?" I say through clenched teeth.  
"He didn't care enough about you to stay, Kathleen. Why should you still be caring about him?"  
"It has been FOUR DAYS" I shout "FOUR FUCKING DAYS. Can you not give me some time to recover. Can you not allow me to work this out. I don't have to be OK. I don't have to move on right now. I don't have to break myself trying to pretend I'm alright for you!"  
"You need to calm down. I'm giving you advice and you are responding immaturely-"  
"Well doesn't that just take the whole god damn cake!" I interrupt him "you Tony Stark are not my brother. I have been around longer than you! You're father flirted with me for fuck sake! Don't speak to me like I'm some childish little sister"  
Tony just stays silent and watches me. Tears start to pour down my face.   
"I'm sorry, Tony. I'm not OK. I love him. I'm not OK" I choke out in between sobs.   
I needn't say no more before I'm enveloped into a pair of warm arms.   
"You will be OK. I'm here. I'm here." Tony consoles me.  
I knew what the name for what I am feeling is now. Heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Bucky come back for Kathleen? Is Kathleen going to sit around waiting for him? Not really in her character but you never know. Bucky Barnes might have just broken Kathleen Deveraux.  
> -  
> I can't believe the kudos and the hits I've been getting. It means so much to me that you actually like my really weird fic. Love you all xx


	29. It Will Take A Lot More Than That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It would take a lot more than a broken heart to take down Kathleen Deveraux.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some swearing in this chapter, apologies :/

I suppose I waited for him. I spent days wondering where he was. I spent days crying myself to sleep. I spent days feeling wrong. Then those days turned to weeks and eventually to months.   
I don't know how it happened but slowly I would fall asleep without crying. Some days I had moments where I felt OK. Then suddenly I felt like I wasn't waiting for him anymore.   
I had accepted he was gone. Why should I wait forever on a man who isn't bothered to fight for me? I wasn't waiting forever. He had his time, he had his opportunity and my God did he blow it.   
Steve was still on the hunt for Bucky. Steve sometimes called. I used to ask him how his search was going but not anymore. I think I'd convinced myself that I would be better off if Steve never found Bucky.   
I'm not saying it didn't hurt when I thought of him. I'm not saying I didn't feel angry or abandoned or upset. I did. However, somehow I was living with it and every day I lived with it it became a little easier to bear.   
It would take a lot more than a broken heart to take down Kathleen Deveraux. 

-

"Don't touch that" Banner warns me.   
"What is it?" I say withdrawing my hand from a weird looking piece of metal and wires.   
"It would take too long to explain, especially to someone from the 1900s" a small smile plays on the corners of his mouth as he examines the thing I'm not allowed touch.   
"Ow. Aren't those jokes very last year?" I laugh.  
Suddenly the door is swung open. I jump slightly. Tony stands in the doorway with an odd expression on his face.   
"Tony?" I ask  
"There has been…there has been a development" he says slowly.   
"A development? In what?"   
He shakes his head and walks away. I turn to Bruce. He gives me an equally confused look.   
"Follow" Tony calls out from down the hallway.   
I do as he says and hurry after him. 

"What kind of development?" I ask when we are on the elevator down to the fourth floor.   
Tony looks at me "well, Steve's back"  
"Really?" I smile "how is he? Why didn't you just tell me?"  
"He's not alone" Tony says  
"You mean…" the elevator doors open to reveal a large room with Steve, Sam and yes, of course, Bucky seated on the couch.   
"Katie" Bucky stands up and walks to me  
I eye him up and down then raise my arm back and bring my palm across his cheek, slapping him.  
"Kathleen." I spit.   
Anger flashes across Bucky's feature, his Winter Soldier reflex and Steve has to stand in between us in an attempt to calm Bucky down.   
Sam and Tony take both my arms to restrain me from lashing out again.   
I try to calm down, I really do. Bucky has managed to relax. Bastard.  
"You bring him back here, Steve? Into my home? With no warning!" I shout.   
"Its my home…" Tony mumbles from the side.   
"Where else was I supposed to take him, Kathleen?" Steve says in a high pitched voice.   
"As far away from me as possible!" I growl at Bucky.   
Bucky is managing to stay surprisingly impassive.  
"Maybe you should talk-" Steve begins  
I cut him off "talk? Anything he should talk to me about he should have said four months ago!" I was screaming. I didn't care.   
The room falls silent again and Bucky just watches me. Everyone is watching me like there's something wrong with me. There's nothing wrong with me!   
"Get off" I shake Tony and Sam's hands off my arms rather violently. "All of you can go fuck yourselves" I say and get back in the elevator.  
-  
All of you can go fuck yourselves? Oh wow what an intelligent comment. I really shouldn't have sworn. As my mother always said, the moment you swear you've lost the argument. Fuck.   
Someone taps lightly on the door.   
"No" I call out to the door and turn over on my side on the bed.   
"Kathleen" Steve says worriedly "I just want to talk"  
"No"   
The door clicks open and I sigh. What did he think the word no meant. I refuse to turn to face him from where I lie. I feel the bed sink on the side as he sits down.   
"Kathleen, its Bucky down there. The Bucky we've known for-"  
"Stop" I interrupt him and sit up on the bed to face him "just stop. Do you honestly believe that man downstairs is the same James Buchanan Barnes? He's not. You want to know why? Because Bucky would never have done this to me!"  
"He was protecting you!" Steve pleads with me to understand.   
"He. Left. Me." I feel tears prick the corners of my eyes.   
"And he tried to kill me! Twice! But I haven't given up on him"  
I let that sink in for a moment "you think he hasn't tried to kill me? You think he hasn't physically hurt me? Why would I want to put up with that for the rest of my life? What sane person would love someone like that?"  
"I'm not asking you to love him, Kathleen. I'm asking you to talk to him" Steve's brow furrows slightly and he gives me that hero look he has that makes everyone want to do the right thing.   
"Don't look at me like that, Steve" I warn him.   
"Like what?" And queue the hero look.   
"Like that. Jesus, fine! Whatever!" I give in.   
-  
"If I kill him, or he kills me, its all Steve's fault" I whisper to Tony as he starts to leave the room.   
"If you break anything," he points to me and then to Bucky "I will kill you both"   
I sigh and turn to Bucky as the door closes shut behind me.   
He is looking at the floor almost nervously. Damn right he should be nervous.   
"Why are you here?" I begin the conversation.   
"Steve, um, said it would be ok if i stay-"  
"Did I phrase that incorrectly? I meant why are you here and not running from Hydra? Why is it all of a sudden safe?" I say this unreasonably rudely.   
"Steve said that it would be safer to stay in the avengers tower with, you know, avengers around. Also, it would be good for my mental health…" Bucky trails off at the end.   
"Oh, I see, when Steve tells you its safe to do something you listen to him and don't hand him back to anyone like stolen property or abandon him" I smile sarcastically.   
"Katie-"  
"Kathleen" I correct him.   
"Listen. I left you for your own good, not mine!" He raises his voice now.   
"Really?" I say keeping my sarcastic tone.   
"You think I would want to leave you behind? You think I would want to live four months without being near you? You think I would want to live like that? I gave you up to protect you."  
"I would have been fine. I have this awful little habit of surviving!"  
"I couldn't take that risk! Not with you" he shouts.   
I fall silent. I had reached a point in the argument where I forgot what I was fighting for. He had reasonable explanations to everything so why did I feel like this? Why didn't I just forgive him?  
"You haven't taken into account one thing, Bucky" I say sadly "you left me for months. I am over how I felt without you. I am over how I felt about you. I am over you"  
He looks at the ground and smiles as if he's slightly taken aback.   
"OK" he nods his head and starts to walk toward me. "Ok" he repeats, closer now. He stops when his shoulder is just about to touch mine and looks sideways at me.   
"But know this," he leans his head down so that his mouth is almost touching my ear. "I still love you"  
A shiver runs down my spine at his words. He stands up straight again and walks by me.   
"And I will win you back, doll" he calls back to me and walks off, his hands in his pockets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BUCKY IS BACK! YAY!!  
> -  
> I was really thinking of ending this story soon and then I got a bit of random inspiration on how I could stretch it out for a bit longer, I'm not quite ready to let go of this yet. I hope you will all stick with this story and me to the end!  
> -  
> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos! I really appreciate it xx


	30. Stubborn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Kathleen ready to forgive Bucky yet? I highly doubt it...

The room is silent when I walk in. It was as if they had all been waiting for me.   
"Shut up" I say to Bucky.  
"What? I didn't say-" he defends himself looking to Steve confused.   
"Shut up" I silence him. I was in a bad mood and when I was in a bad mood, everyone knew about it.   
I pour cereal into a bowl and take the farthest seat away from Bucky beside Bruce. I look around the table for the milk.   
"Over here" Bucky shakes the carton from where he sits at the table.   
"Pass it" I say without looking at him.   
"If you want it, come and get it" he teases me.   
I look up slowly at him, my lips pursed. "I don't want to play games, Barnes"  
"It's not a game. It's an invitation" he smiles.   
"Pass. The. God. Damn. Milk" I say through gritted teeth.   
My anger only manages to make Bucky smile more. Steve shifts uncomfortably on his seat and I can feel Bruce getting more awkward by the second. A staring match ensues between me and a smiling Bucky for about 20 seconds before Tony saunters into the room.   
"Morning. Oh god, I can feel the tension in this room" he looks at me and I break my gaze with Bucky to meet Tony's eyes.   
"Oh Christ, who put her in a bad mood? She's a nightmare when she's like this" Tony sighs.   
I stand up suddenly and my chair almost falls backwards behind me. I walk over to where Bucky sits and grab the milk from his hand.   
"You can all thank Bucky for the shit storm that is coming your way. Him showing up here started this. I am also on my period. I am in pain. Buckys face is irritating me. And none of you are going to get through the day without knowing what it means to piss off Kathleen Deveraux" I threaten and the guys actually look slightly scared. "Except you Bruce. We're OK" I add on to the end.   
"I didn't do anything" Steve raises his hands up.   
"You brought this," I hit the back of Bucky's head "back here"  
Bucky rubs the spot where I hit him.  
I bring the milk back over to my seat, sit down and continue eating my breakfast.   
The guys look at me as if I'm about to explode at any second. Which wasn't far from the truth.   
-  
I was trying to calm down. I needed to calm down. I sit alone in one of Tony's sitting rooms. The reason I'm alone? Well my little threat this morning had scared off Bruce who now resides upstairs pretending to work on something. Steve had tried to talk to me but after two minutes of experiencing my negativity that seemed to resonate from me like a beacon today, he had more or less ran out of the room. Bucky had tried numerous times to approach me but I managed to keep him away, sometimes I had to hide from him just to avoid talking to him. And Tony, well I won't repeat the things I said to Tony.   
So, that is how I ended up alone, at last, watching Pride and Prejudice and stuffing my face with sponge cake.   
"What movie is this?" Bucky says from behind me.   
"No" I say and throw a pillow at his head.   
"Ah, come on" he ducks "I just want to watch a movie with you"  
"Well you can't. I want to be on my own"   
He stands beside the television now with his hands in his pockets.   
"You're distracting me" I say in annoyance  
"With my masculine charms and all that?" He grins.   
"Oh yes, you're masculine charms. You know what? The mere mention of your masculinity is distracting" I say sarcastically and I'm reminded of a similar conversation we had many years ago.   
"Get off" I hiss in protest when he sits on the end of the couch I'm lying on.   
"So, what's this about?"   
I sigh in defeat. "Remember that book I used to read all the time?"  
"The one with the dark broody guy?" He asks   
"Yes" I clench my teeth in annoyance. He had never liked Pride and Prejudice.   
"Oh" he says in dissappointment.   
"Don't like it? Leave."  
"You're not getting rid of me that easy" he winks and wriggles further into the couch.   
I try to ignore him but that was proving a rather difficult task. He needed a haircut. It was getting far too long. I wish someone would tell him to cut his hair. Should I? No. That would make it seem like I care. But I do care. Shut up.   
My eyes travel down from his hair to his jaw. He hasn't shaved this morning and a light stubble shaded his face.   
That was a tight tshirt. He obviously hadn't been shopping yet and was borrowing Tony's clothes. What I would give to take him out shopping. The muscles showing through his shirt were-  
"You know, its not a look and don't touch exhibit" Bucky smirks at noticing my staring.   
"You need a haircut" I comment   
"You offering?" He smiles.   
"I can't stand to look at that mess anymore. I don't care if I'm pissed with you, I need to cut that hair"  
I disappear out of the room and reappear with a scissors.   
I pull out a chair and gesture for him to sit and then I begin my work. I chop away his hair slowly. I didn't want it too short, I just wanted it shorter.  
"You ready to forgive me yet?" Bucky chances it.   
I hit the back of his head lightly.   
"What will it take?" He grabs my wrists and tilts his head back to look up at me from where I stand behind him.   
"More than you've got" I pull my wrists from his grip and resume snipping away at his hair.   
"You're just being stubborn. You were always too bloody stubborn"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For some weird reason, this is one of my favorite chapters. There's something about Kathleen pretending not to want Bucky that is interesting to write. I love writing Bucky like this too. He seems less troubled and more like his old self. Let's see how long that lasts...  
> -  
> THANK YOU FOR READING THIS AND THANK YOU FOR LEAVING KUDOS AND COMMENTING! ALL FEEDBACK IS WELCOME, GOOD, BAD OR CONSTRUCTIVE! THANK YOU! xx


	31. Excuses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Major revelations, a lot of excuses and a very happy Bucky.

The New York morning light filtered through my bedroom window and rested on my face. I was awake but hadn't gotten up yet. I just needed this moment to not think and just let the heat from the sun rays warm me.   
Ever since I had awoken from the ice everything in my life has been very stressful. Actually, ever since the beginning of World War II, my life has been very stressful. From Bucky going off to war to being kidnapped by a Norse god to being mad at Bucky. Stressful.   
I needed a moment. This was my moment.   
"Rise and shine!" A voice more or less shouts and I feel a heavy weight on my legs.   
My eyes flutter open in shock and are met with the sight of Darcy Lewis beaming at me from the end of my bed.   
"You're crushing my legs" I kick her off of me.   
"That's really how you should greet your friend" she says disapprovingly.   
I smile at her "I was a having a moment. You ruined my moment" I hug her all the same.   
"What are you doing here? Security is obviously not what it used to be" I tease her.   
"A certain boyfriend trying to win brownie points called me up and said you needed me" Darcy widens her eyes when she says boyfriend.   
"I did need you" I pull her in for another hug "because that certain boyfriend is an eavesdropping EX BOYFRIEND" I shout at the door.   
Bucky's head appears around the door "You feel no gratitude or less irritation toward me? Nothing?"  
"Nothing" I hiss   
Bucky frowns and then says "better find something else that will persuade you to forgive me then"  
And just like that he's gone. I listen to the sound of his footsteps disappearing down the hallway.  
Darcy scoffs. I give her a questioning look.   
"You, Kathleen Deveraux, feel nothing for Bucky Barnes? Not possible"   
I shrug at her. What else could I say? It was true. I think.  
"What's really going on here? Are you just being stubborn-"  
"Oh my God! I'm not stubborn! Why does everyone keep saying that to me" I stand up from the bed.   
"Maybe because you are. This is about something more isn't it?" She frowns at me.   
"Darcy. You realize you're encouraging me to be with an ex assasin, who has killed people. One of those people being Tony's father" I whisper the last part.   
Tony had been surprisingly OK with Bucky staying. He didn't like Bucky, at all. Yet, he was letting him stay. I didn't understand it.   
Darcy waves her hand dismissively. "You're just looking for excuses"  
"It's a pretty good excuse, don't you think?" I say through gritted teeth and then make my way toward the bathroom.   
"Excuses" Darcy calls after me.   
-  
"Let's have a party" Tony appears in the room as if this was the best idea he's ever had.   
"Very original idea, Tony" Bruce says sarcastically from the seat beside me.   
I was really beginning to like Bruce.  
"You have too many parties" I complain  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was unaware there was a party limit" Tony says defensively.   
Steve and Bucky remain quiet. They weren't exactly party people. Darcy, on the other hand, was bouncing in her seat at the word. She's already running her mouth off about party ideas.   
"I think, I'll give this one a miss" Bruce says about the party that Tony and Darcy are in deep discussion over.   
"Same" I yawn and stretch. It was 2p.m. and I was unusually tired. "What are you going to do instead? I might join you"  
"Not sure, probably work on some stuff I need to get done, try not to turn into a massive green monster" he smirks.   
"Sounds like a date. I'll be there to supervise your self containment" I laugh.   
Bucky's expression from the corner of my eye catches my attention. He looked on the verge of a 'destroy all furniture' breakdown. I was about to ask him if he was alright when Darcy springs back over.   
"OK, OK" she begins "what about this? A 1920's theme"  
I look at her blankly "is that supposed to be funny?"  
"Oh come on" she chuckles "it kind of is. At least you'll know what to where"  
"I wasn't even a teenager in the 1920's" I inform her.   
"We are having this party" she says flatly.   
-  
Bruce had managed to get out of this party. I had been guilt tripped into it by Darcy who reminded me of all the broken furntiure I never replaced.   
Bucky was here and so was Steve and of course the rest of the avengers.   
The party's theme of the 1920's was actually not bad. It reminded me of when I was younger and I liked the nostalgia it brought.   
"Good party, no?" Natasha says.   
I jump in surprise "where did you come from?"   
She smiles at me and asks if I've been keeping up with my training.   
"Oh, yeah, that. Well, I've kind of had no time. I've sort of been on the run. Would you mind beginning to teach me again?"  
"I can do that" Bucky walks over. "Teach you self defense, I mean"  
"Oh my God, really?" I say in a a fake sounding high pitched voice "I would so appreciate-no. Go away."  
He smiles down at me and I really can't help but admire how perfect he looks in his suit with his hair slicked back. Damn him.   
"Oh, this is Camille" Natasha says suddenly at the sight of a petite blonde girl.   
Camille walks over to where Natasha is and gives Bucky and I a warm smile.   
"I tried to set her up with Steve tonight, he's not really interested" Natasha explains.   
"He's not really my type either" Camille says with a thick southern drawl.   
I smile at her and say "Its nice to meet you but I better be going because I don't like him" I gesture to Bucky.   
I walk over to the buffet table and pour a glass of some kind of alcohol. I didn't really check what but I was going to be needing lots of this if I was going to get through the night.   
"Its a great party. Just admit it" Darcy takes her place by my side.   
"Its got booze. Its a good party" I tease her.   
"Who's the girl?" Darcy gestures towards Bucky who is currenlty alone with Camille.   
"She's a failed blind date for Steve" I say pouring myself another drink.   
"Well, she seems pretty keen on Bucky" Darcy raises her eyebrows at me.   
I look over to them. Bucky had his back to me but I could see his posture was stiff. Camille, well, Camille was obviously flirting her fake nails off.   
"So?" I raise my eyebrows back at Darcy.   
"You don't care? At all?"   
"Darcy, I've told you. I'm done with Bucky. I'm OK with him flirting with Camille" I smile at her.   
"Come join me on the dance floor when you're drunk enough" she laughs and disappears into the crowd.   
I fill up my glass with more of the mysterious alcohol which turned out to be Bourbon and my eyes are drawn back to Bucky and Camille.  
I am not a jealous person. I am not. Ok. Fine. Perhaps I can get a little bit jealous. Or a lot…  
Camille throws her head back laughing like Bucky is the most hilarious person in the world. I recognised this behaviour. How fitting it was that every one was dressed the way people used to in the days where Bucky had a line of female suitors. Camille was just like the girls Bucky used to go out with. Why should I care? I don't.  
Did she just? Oh my God, her hand is on his chest. What a whore.   
I turn away. Why was I so jealous? A rhetorical question. I knew exactly why I was jealous. I still loved Bucky Barnes.   
-  
BUCKY'S POV  
I didn't like making conversation with people I didn't know. Therefore, talking to Camille was becoming a huge problem. She was flirting and I didn't know how, even if I wanted to, to flirt back.   
I was only putting myself through this for one reason. I knew exactly how jealous Kathleen could get. If she got jealous then I knew, she still cared and I needed her to care.   
"So, what do you work as? Obviously you're something big to be living in the avengers tower." Camille smiles at me.   
"I'm retired" I say and glance behind me. Kathleen had turned away.   
"What did you used to do then?" She asks.   
"I was an assasin. If you'll excuse me" I say and leave.   
If I had turned around I would have seen Camille's horrified face.   
"Hi" I say   
Kathleen turns around and sighs. "Bucky" she says in acknowledgment.   
"Give any more though to my offer? Of teaching you self defense?"  
She runs her tongue over her teeth and purses her lips. "Fine"  
My eyes widen in shock at her acceptance and I smirk at her. Oh, I had her now. She was jealous. She had been jealous and now she realises, she needs me as much as I need her.   
"Only because I need to learn self defense. Don't take it and run with it, Barnes" she warns me.   
"I promise, doll, I won't" I say and wink at her. Oh, I was running with this and she wasn't going to stop me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave kudos if you think I deserve it! xx  
> -  
> Can you believe this is chapter 31? I certainly can not. I feel like I've written a very very small book.   
> -  
> Oh and bucky calls kathleen, kathleen instead of Katie in this chapter because I decided to do that for this chapter. Don't ask why. I don't really know.


	32. Lesson One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Lesson one: never turn your back on your opponent"

I tie my hair up in a messy ponytail as I look in the large full length mirror that went all the way around the walls of Tony's gym. I inspect my outfit and pick a piece of string off of my leggings.   
Was I seriously doing this? I was waiting in the gym for Bucky who was about to start teaching me self defense and I was making sure I looked OK. I don't know why but I feel slightly nervous. This was Bucky not some new high school crush. I knew Bucky. I try to convince myself I'm not nervous but simply on edge. However, you can't really lie to yourself for very long.   
"Ready?" The door swings open and Bucky enters smiling.   
I look him up and down. Tight black t-shirt. Grey track pants. He was really driving me insane. What's worse, I think he knows exactly what he is doing to me.  
"Been ready since 12, you know, the time you were supposed to arrive" I raise an eyebrow at him.   
"Would you believe I actually slept in?" He gives me a smirk.   
I open my mouth slightly in disbelief. "No nightmares?"  
"None" he smiles again like a kid who just got a 'well done' stamp on their homework.   
I shake my head and say "wow. OK, let's get started then"  
-  
After about an hour of exercise that Bucky relentlessly made me carry out, he finally decided to teach me what I came here to learn.   
"Just attack me" Bucky orders me.   
I give him a questioning look.   
"Pretend I just stole your handbag. Now attack"   
"I don't carry handbags" I state.   
His brow furrows "ok, you're money from you're pocket"  
"Are we talking about change or notes? I usually keep the notes in my bra because they don't get stolen that way and if they took my coins a.) I wouldn't let them close enough to me, to reach into my pocket and b.) I probably would let them just take the change"  
Bucky rolls his eyes. "The point of this exercise is that you attack me the way you attack and then I will critique you on your attack. It's not about the situation where you have to attack someone"  
"So, I just…attack you?" I ask questioningly.   
He nods his head.   
"And you won't go all Winter Soldier on me?" I chew my bottom lip.   
"I don't think so" he winks at me.   
"Encouraging" I say sarcastically and then bring my foot to his stomach. He catches it before it hits its target.   
I am knocked off balance and I fall flat on to my backside.   
"That actually wasn't too bad. You caught me off guard" Bucky says.   
"You just knocked me onto my ass, I would hardly call that catching you off guard" I take his outstretched hand and he pulls me up.   
"Ah, but you see, I'm better than you" he teases me. "Alright. Now I'm going to show you some attack methods"  
I turn away from him to go and get some water but I'm pulled backward and then slammed into one of the mirrors. Bucky holds me there and brings his lips to my ear.   
"Lesson one: never turn your back on your opponent"  
-  
It carried on like this for three days. I was slowly getting better at defending myself and I was also letting my guard down around Bucky again. I was supposed to still be pissed at him, that's what I wanted him to believe, but I wasn't. I was falling all over again.   
"Go" Bucky orders me to begin fighting with him.   
Bucky never hit me, he simply deflected my attempts to hit him and would bring his foot, or fist about a centimeter away from wherever he could have hit me to demonstrate that I would have been hit if he was an enemy.   
I bring a fist toward Bucky's jaw but he grabs it just in time. He holds onto my fist and uses it to twist my arm so that my back is pressed against Bucky. He brings two strong arms underneath my arms putting me in a headlock.   
Usually when this happened I give up. I was incapable of escaping this hold. Today, however, I wasn't giving up that easily.   
I slam my head backward and it comes into contact with Bucky's nose. His grip loosens and I wriggle free.   
I turn to face him and he's rubbing his nose, no blood or breakage. Thank God.   
"Ow" he says to me.   
I shrug at him and his eyes seem to glint mischievously.   
"If that's how its going to be then" he says and suddenly Bucky has me by the waist.   
"Wait, no" I cry out but its too late. Bucky swings me backward and I crash to the floor, on to a crash mat thankfully. The wind is knocked out of me and I look up at Bucky towering over me. A smug expression crosses his face and he says "I've been going easy on you. You needed to be put in your place. I win" he turns his back to me and takes a step away.   
I seize this opportunity and swing my legs around so that I knock his feet out from under him.   
I flip over and straddle him. I bring my face down to his "Lesson one: never turn your back on your opponent" I smile at him and he returns it.  
I suddenly become very aware of the fact that I'm sitting with my legs on either side of him. My lips only milimetres from his. I felt like I couldn't move. Now I was breathless for another reason.   
We stay like that for a while. I don't dare move and he doesn't dare speak. I knew what was coming.   
I bring my lips to his and he reacts instantly. His hands go to the small of my back and push my shirt up. I grab the collar of his tshirt and bring his lips closer to mine.   
He sits up and I slide down onto his lap. He pulls me closer to him and his hands move up my back, bringing my tank top with them. I pull my lips reluctantly from his and tug the top over my head. Then I work on his, bringing the t-shirt over his head as fast as I can.   
He brings his lips to mine again and he deepens the kiss.   
I run my hands along his muscular chest. He brings his hands to my thighs and I have to try to stop myself from moaning in the pleasure of his touch.   
I wanted this. I didn't realise how much I wanted this until now. Why was I ever even mad at Bucky? I honestly couldn't care less as he brings his mouth down to my collar bone and I tug at the hair at the nape of his neck. The most important question in my mind right now was: why do I still have my trousers on?  
The door crashes open and I pull away from Bucky sharply. Tony stands in the doorway.   
"No!" He screams "not in my gym! Not even in my freaking tower!"   
I cover my mouth with my hand to keep from laughing at poor Tony's face. He looked extremely scared and angry and very very red.   
"You!" He points at me "get your shirt on and get away from him. Do you even have a condomn? You are going to end up pregnant!"  
I sigh and slide reluctantly off Bucky. I grab my tank top and throw his t-shirt to him.   
"Tony I do hope you realise I am a 70 year old woman and you can not stop me from having sex with my boyfriend" I say.  
"Oh my God, no" he shrinks away from me in disgust "I feel like you're my little sister and so you even saying the word 'sex' feels very very wrong"  
"Did you just say boyfriend?" Bucky winks at me and my heart sinks as he puts his shirt on over his head.   
"Yeah, did I forget to tell you that I forgave you 4 days ago?" I grin at him.   
"Please, spare me" Tony says and points out the door. I walk out with Bucky trailing behind me.  
Needless to say Bucky and I went straight to his bedroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for this badly written chapter...  
> -  
> I can't believe I have over 1000 hits and 34 kudos! That means so much and I can't ever thank you all enough!  
> -  
> I will be ending this story in the next two chapters or so. I hope you'll read to the end!


	33. The Last Time

I roll onto my side to face Bucky. His eyes were closed and his breathing was peaceful.   
"You're not asleep"  
One of his eyes crack open and he says "how did you know?"   
"You're avoiding hearing what I have to say" I frown at him unimpressed.   
"If you wish to destroy this perfect morning then please say what you must" Bucky rolls onto his back and covers his eyes with his forearm.   
"We are OK Bucky, we are good again" I give him a small smile and then my face falls serious "but if you ever decide you think you know what's best for me and don't consult me and ask me about things again, I will leave and I won't come back Bucky"  
"I'm not letting you go again" he looks at me frowning as if it was the most absurd idea to ever consider leaving me.   
"You have too much power over me Bucky Barnes, I didn't give you that power but you have it. You can break my heart in the blink of an eye and I'd rather it stayed in tact" I say almost pleadingly. The memory of heartbreak was exhausting and I never wanted to feel like that again.   
Bucky turns on his side to face me now. He wraps an arm around my waist and slides me closer to him on the bed.   
"I love you. I won't leave you, Katie" Bucky promises me.   
"I love you but this is the last time I let you in." And even as the words leave my mouth I know they're a lie. There would never be a last time for Bucky and I. I would always forgive him. We were inevitable.  
-  
It wasn't as if all Bucky's problems were gone now. He had seemed perfectly normal the past weeks he's been here but I hadn't known what was happening behind closed doors.  
Panic attacks, nightmares and a lot of broken furniture.  
I tended to forget about Bucky's metal arm, it was a part of him now and often I failed to notice it until I saw the damage it could do.  
Bucky wasn't healed but he was healing, needless to say he would always be left with a scar from what he had to go through.   
I was here though and I intended to stick with him, irregardless of his differing moods.  
I had come to love Bucky Barnes like this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it, guys. That is the end of But Not Like This. I know I said that there would be 2 more chapters but I think its right to end it now. Its so short I know, sorry, but yeah, that's it :(  
> -  
> I think I'm going to write some sort of sequel like thing but in the form of one shots of Kathleen and Bucky's life together. What do you think?  
> -  
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me and leaving kudos, I appreciate it so much and writing this was the best experience, so thank you :)   
> -  
> Bye! For now....  
> -  
> Had anyone noticed the fact that I have used Taylor Swift lyrics throughout this story??

**Author's Note:**

> Ok? So how was it? Please comment your opinions and if you want more! Thank you for reading my story and I hope you'll read the rest as I post it! :)  
> P.S. I realise there might be some MAJOR plot holes and stuff but I needed to right it this way because otherwise my story won't make sense :(  
> P.P.S also I have a terrible habit of changing tenses, sozzle.


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